Nostalgia

Back in the student life, or sort of. Moved all I needed back in the flat, moved the flat around a lot, and now am in Marseille.
Rico got here yesterday and I'm so fucking confused.
Rico is a scottish friend I met three years ago on an exchange program me, the best friend, foufounette and other friends participated in. Last time I saw him was a year ago, when I went to Scotland.
I've always had a soft spot the size of an iceberg for him. It used to be the same with him. And it's damn painful to know that it's over.
I seriously miss the way things used to be. I don't know if it's because of him I didn't manage to have a half-assed serious relationship for years; it's a possibility. the same went for him. he hasn't had a proper girlfriend in forever. And i get so jealous when I know he does have someone, which is weird because I'm never jealous. Ever.
It might be the inaccessibility, which says a lot about my mental state (shitty).
But I always have a thing for guys that aren't french.
I don't know if it's the roots striving to come out, saying "you're not fucking French, stop getting it on with French dudes!"
Seriously, I cheated with a Hungarian dancer, and the best lays of my life were Scottish and Canadian. Does it mean anything? I don't know.
But I always feel i connect with english-speaking guys on another level. A part of me the French just cannot get.
It's just...the English parts of me have been so ridden over during the years, years of only speaking French except at home, being the only Brit of my age in a town of 20 000 people, not even having anglophone mates at uni, except for Prince Charming, that I guess that when it all come out...it goes badly.
I went to Scotland four times in five years. It's a place I really love, and it's the place that reconciled me with being a Brit, because growing up I found it kinda difficult.
Some of my best memories are there. And now a whole part of that has just disappeared. No wonder I'm lost, I guess.
I don't know if it's the same for other people. I don't know anyone who's been through the same thing. My flatmate has been through some of the same stuff, cause she's Belgian, and lived in italy from her birth to her fifteenth, but it's not quite the same because she's hardly ever been to Belgium, and came here a lot later than I did. I was five. When I first got here I just wanted to go home. now I'm very grateful that my parents came here, but it's made me somewhat messed-up. Totally messed-up, some would say.
I'm such an in-between person. Not really British, except for what it says on my passport, I lack most of Britain's cultural references, at least on the TV side, since I practically only read in English, I don't understand a good part of what the country is doingto itself, I don't understand all the knife stories and the shyness of the guys and the weird ways of the girls. I don't understand the way they dress, I don't share an insular mentality cause I'm from the continent, I'm just lost in these things.
Not really French, because it's always been made very clear to me that I was a foreigner. Maybe it was harder for me because I'm not visibly foreign, unlike my mother who speaks with "such a cute" english accent and has blue eyes and really fair skin. Unlike my brother who inherited the blond, tall northern genes. And different from my father too, although he comes from two foreign cultures but was born and bred in Paris.
Not really French because I'm just not. I can't imagine saying "I'm French" as I could have, and still could if I applied for French nationality. But that would mean giving up my other nationalities, and I can't; physically can't.
I wish someone could share experiences on this stuff, but as I said, I don't know anyone who could; my flatmate is already a great help. Nationality is one of our recurrent conversation subjects, and one we never find a solution to, except "I'm not French". Although she's a lot closer, being Belgian, but still.
I'm not French. And it affects me in strange ways.

Relations Bullshit-More Massilia

In any case I had a great time with everyone, got stoned, talked and talked and talked, got up late, just generally took advantage of the holiday spirits, and crossed a line I've been thinking about crossing for a wee while now.

I love the Boyfriend, and he loves me. It's the easiest relationship I've ever had. There's the knub and crux of the matter. He's a year older than I am, but I tend to feel like I'm the older one. I guess a relationship is about sharing your troubles, and he does take care of me too, but yeah, he does make me feel a bit like an older sister from time to time, which is not good.
I think this all started when I spent three weeks with absolutely no contact with him, and was all by myself once more.
I don't know.
Who cares what I do anyway; I seriously don't give a damn about wrong or right just now.
Oh, so what happened?
I slept with Peter early this morning. And man, was it worth it, if only for the excitement.
I get bored fast.
And no-one will ever know-except for whoever comes by here, which is no-one.
There is some safety in being evermore anonymous, although whoever comes by can find out a lot about me.
Thank God none of my French friends would ever read a blog in English- and the Anglophones couldn't tell :)
Was it wrong of me? If the Boyfriend ever came to find out, I'd consider it wrong, because then he'd be hurt. But I'm good at keeping secrets. And at necessary lying. Saying I was reading on the balcony-which was actually true until Peter turned up and pulled me into his room.
In all likelihood I won't see Peter again, anyway. He's leaving the day after tomorrow, and I'm not going back to Marseille for a while.
So here, this is also who I am. This is the kind of thing I will never tell anyone around me. I don't want to lose the Boyfriend, but I need something else.
Am I trying to have my cake and eat it?Probably. Does it make me a lesser person? Not insomuch as it bothers me. And if it bothers anyone else, too bad, tant pis!

I am who i am. And however much I love and need my current relationship, there is something wrong with it, which can't be remedied.
The Boyfriend can't change overnight and bring the excitement other men have. But no-one else has ever given themselves over to me as he has. Which I like but also resent.
As the Best Friend says, he's hung on to me, although we make a show of independence to the world and he pretends his independence to me. All i know is that I can disappear for three weeks with no means to contact him and not worry. That I can watch him go off to his Dads for three weeks, where his ex also lives, and not worry, even if I have no news for a few days.
How safe is that, Jesus.
As I said, I get bored fast.
I'm horrible.