Roommate dearest and I went out this morning, went to look at the shops, happily toddling around, looking in a couple clothes shops, but not bothering to try anything on, until we got to Mango.
Now I've never bought anything there, because it's usually far out of my price range, and completely unnecessary, but today, we both saw nice jeans, which happens once in a blue moon. So we decided to try them on.
And that was the drama of the day, because those fuckers cut the damn trousers a size under the usual.
So let's disclose details ; I'm a size 38, i think that's a UK size ten. Yeah, on the small side. Roommate is a 40, or UK 12, but then she's only 10 centimeters taller than me, so it's kind of logical. I can't fucking believe the dudes at Mango decided it would be a good idea to make us feel-or rather, try to make us feel- fat. because that's what happens when you pull on a pair of trousers in your size, and find out they don't fit. You don't stop to think that it might be the cut, that you might be bloated because of your period or something, or that the sizes in this shop might be skewed. No. You go straight to the "OMG I'm fat!" belief that society instills in you as early as fucking possible.
Well guess what? Didn't fucking work. We just left the trousers there, and got the hell out, fuming that they dared try to make us feel like we should be thinner.
My whole point would be : get the fuck away from me and stop trying to shame me into being thinner and so take up less space.
Not going to work. There is no valid reason whatsoever for me to feel fat, for god's sake. I'm normal. I feel for all the people larger than me out there-life must be hellish. Constantly getting told you're not good enough gets worse the larger you are.
Fuck off, society.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
The world has gone nuts around me
I don't even know where to start.
Sarkozy is trying to teach Obama how to negotiate with Iran, which is kinda funny
My teachers are still on strike (week 2! out of my seven-week semester!I am screwed!)
But I actually support this strike because if this law goes through...they (and us along with them) are in deep shit.
France has been stormed, snowed in, stormed again, it's been a crazy month for weather here, and power cuts all over the place.
Fires in Victoria and crazy dudes blaming them abortion. From what the news told me a good number of the fires were criminal, but who cares about plausible? I'm still trying to get my head around that one.
Rihanna has allegedly been beaten up by Chris Brown, her boyfriend, and the world is blaming her, and it makes me want to throw up. A lot. And then cry. And then hope against hope that he gets sent to jail. And that all those motherfucking victim-blamers choke.
I've been hired as an English teacher by Acadomia, a company that provides private lessons all over France. I'm nervous about it.
Grades are coming out little by little, and I'm doing pretty well for the moment, especially in chinese, so I'm pretty hopeful.
I have a new presentation to get ready for march third "Social pressures faced by women ages 20-30 in modern China". F and I dreamed that one up and it should be pretty interesting, but we don't have much time.
Nearly everyone's back from their semester abroad, it's nice to see them all again!
And I might be pregnant...crossing fingers, touching wood on this one, I don't face a real risk since I always use BC, but I'm worried. So waiting a bit more, then testing. We'll see.
Sarkozy is trying to teach Obama how to negotiate with Iran, which is kinda funny
My teachers are still on strike (week 2! out of my seven-week semester!I am screwed!)
But I actually support this strike because if this law goes through...they (and us along with them) are in deep shit.
France has been stormed, snowed in, stormed again, it's been a crazy month for weather here, and power cuts all over the place.
Fires in Victoria and crazy dudes blaming them abortion. From what the news told me a good number of the fires were criminal, but who cares about plausible? I'm still trying to get my head around that one.
Rihanna has allegedly been beaten up by Chris Brown, her boyfriend, and the world is blaming her, and it makes me want to throw up. A lot. And then cry. And then hope against hope that he gets sent to jail. And that all those motherfucking victim-blamers choke.
I've been hired as an English teacher by Acadomia, a company that provides private lessons all over France. I'm nervous about it.
Grades are coming out little by little, and I'm doing pretty well for the moment, especially in chinese, so I'm pretty hopeful.
I have a new presentation to get ready for march third "Social pressures faced by women ages 20-30 in modern China". F and I dreamed that one up and it should be pretty interesting, but we don't have much time.
Nearly everyone's back from their semester abroad, it's nice to see them all again!
And I might be pregnant...crossing fingers, touching wood on this one, I don't face a real risk since I always use BC, but I'm worried. So waiting a bit more, then testing. We'll see.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Even the gay friend thinks his opinions are better than mine
I got thoroughly annoyed the other night.
I was talking to a friend of mine, a couple nights ago, and the discussion turned to China.
I study chinese. (I go on about this at length through my blog)
I find it insanely annoying when people spout out stereotypes, especially the ones I know are wrong.
And here I was, trying to point out that all the stuff he was saying was just repeating what the media says, only for him to claim that he was surprised that I didn't know better and that he kept himself informed about China and the like.
Dude is an Italian major. I helped him throughout high school.
I got sooooo pissed off. I was angry that he was brushing off the history I'd learnt, the things i'd come to know as a student of chinese, things I learned through my chinese or taiwanese friends, from my teachers, from my friends in China, with a "I know just as much about this as you do".
I managed to shut him up eventually, but i was trying to figure out why, why, WHY he thought his opinions were more valid than my facts.
I'm of the opinion that it's because he's a man, and hey, we all know a man's opinion is better than a woman's, right?
**depressed**
I was talking to a friend of mine, a couple nights ago, and the discussion turned to China.
I study chinese. (I go on about this at length through my blog)
I find it insanely annoying when people spout out stereotypes, especially the ones I know are wrong.
And here I was, trying to point out that all the stuff he was saying was just repeating what the media says, only for him to claim that he was surprised that I didn't know better and that he kept himself informed about China and the like.
Dude is an Italian major. I helped him throughout high school.
I got sooooo pissed off. I was angry that he was brushing off the history I'd learnt, the things i'd come to know as a student of chinese, things I learned through my chinese or taiwanese friends, from my teachers, from my friends in China, with a "I know just as much about this as you do".
I managed to shut him up eventually, but i was trying to figure out why, why, WHY he thought his opinions were more valid than my facts.
I'm of the opinion that it's because he's a man, and hey, we all know a man's opinion is better than a woman's, right?
**depressed**
Monday, February 2, 2009
Saturday, January 31, 2009
On Beauty
I've been thinking, a bit, about the pressure to conform.
We all have to subscribe to some ideal beauty to be happy; I guess we all live in a culture of fear, to encourage consumption. And of course, it's always harder on women than on men.
After all, men aren't told they have a sell-by date. Men don't have to wear make-up to pass, they can walk around with acne scars, dark circles, with no-one commenting on their tiredness/"petite mine" as they say in French. Men can have grey hair, it's stylish; women have to dye it. Women are expendable, dontcha know? So we have to stay pretty. Have to wear heels, make-up, uncomfortable stuff, sexy stuff, have to look good for others and not for ourselves, because we don't know what we want and are just there to provide eye-candy for men.
I wasn't pretty as a pre-teen. I was fat, badly dressed, mainly because it didn't interest me that much, and spent my time reading. But I still started wearing make-up in my third year of middle-school (there are four years of middle-school and three years of high school in France), mainly because it provided an armour, something distinctive other than the fact I was a foreigner. I liked colouring my eyes a lot. And then I developed acne, so that started me off on skin stuff, foundation and the like.
And I continue to this day.
I love make-up. I love how it makes me look, I love how it makes me feel. I'd say I wear it for myself, but that probably wouldn't be true, because I know make-up makes me prettier, whatever my boyfriend might say about loving me without it. It's also somewhat of a societal pressure, since a woman with make-up is seen as making more of an effort.
I'm definitely not going to stop, although i've been going easier on the skin stuff, having stopped wearing foundation, and I hate that some can call me antifeminist or stupid for this. I understand some of what's behind my make-up wearing, but I'd just rather go on telling myself it's my choice and I do it for myself. Ultimately, I believe it is, but I know there are pressures out there that have made me who I am.
My roommate wears make-up once in a blue moon, because she has insanely sensitive skin, and no-one gives her stick about it, except her boyfriend, who is very much attached to appearances. I worry about that, and try to gently point it out when it comes up, but I can't really take his behaviour head-on. But that's a whole different post. And she's fine like that.
Sometimes I wonder if it hasn't been a lot easier for me growing up here than it would have been in the Uk or the US, because I don't feel as many pressures as others seem to. I feel that women are more casual here, or maybe I'm imagining it.
Or maybe I'm just extremely privileged.
I mean, I'm conventionally attractive, I'm white but not 'pasty', I have dark, thick, straight hair that hairdressers coo over (I recently went to the hairdresser's for the first time in five years-I just find them annoying) but that I ultimately leave alone- I was amazed to meet Brit girls my age when i was fifteen: every single one of them I met had hair straighteners and they all used them once or twice a day, even the girls who already had straight hair. Us Frenchies were baffled, since the most I do to my hair is blow it dry-hey, it's winter^^although I do possess a pair of straighteners, present from my aunt, uncle, cousins when I was sixteen (on my mother's side, the Brit side of the family).
And my American cousin kept telling me her hair was usually a lot nicer because she hadn't brought all her hair products with her-no idea what she intended to do to it, it looked fine to me. People confuse me.
As for clothes : well I hear that French women are classy and often boring, wear too much black, etc etc.
I think simplicity is valued here, but I'll direct you to Garance Doré's blog on more about the cliché.(here's the English version)(it's a great post, really well written and funny :) )
Our stereotypes are that British girls let it all hang out, with clothes that are too tight, too short, too vulgar. This, of course, isn't always true, but many of the girls/women I've seen on the street do fall into this. And I find it extremely ugly, but that's only my opinion, after all, to each their own. I just find it strange, because I'm taking that they dress this way because they feel good like that, at least, I hope so, for them. There's nothing more unpleasant than dressing in a way that doesn't fit or suit you, that you don't feel comfortable in.
I like feeling attractive; I like feeling sexy. I love dresses-in summer. The rest of the time I run around in jeans and a top. I can't stand feeling constricted, so I shun anything too-tight, too short, scratchy or fidgety. My version of sexy doesn't always fit in with mainstream expectations; right now I'm wearing a soft green jumper and a pair or grey trousers-probably what would be called slacks-that float around my legs, and I feel extremely sexy. Add on my beloved combat boots, and I'm happy.
But this is just another version of what's acceptable.
In France, casual clothes are more common; the short, over-the-top sexy stuff is for parties, and frowned upon in everyday life.Not t say that you can't wear a mini-skirt, but the "only one" rule is very well assimilated; basically, show cleavage, or your legs, but not both at once.
And I just don't know how you get away with clothes that aren't practical; This migth stem from the fact that people in France walk a lot more than in America, because of the way cities have been constructed historically, I guess. But I walk everywhere; uni, friend's places, food-shopping, clothes-shopping, everything. So shoes that are going to hurt, a skirt that's going to ride up, a dress that's going to trail along? nope.
it's like high heels. Just not practical, and made, IMO, for men's enjoyment. But I love a pretty pair of heels. I just love shoes in general. But I'll never wear anything that will hurt. I don't really get the point, and the women i know seem to agree :)
But still, only women...
We all have to subscribe to some ideal beauty to be happy; I guess we all live in a culture of fear, to encourage consumption. And of course, it's always harder on women than on men.
After all, men aren't told they have a sell-by date. Men don't have to wear make-up to pass, they can walk around with acne scars, dark circles, with no-one commenting on their tiredness/"petite mine" as they say in French. Men can have grey hair, it's stylish; women have to dye it. Women are expendable, dontcha know? So we have to stay pretty. Have to wear heels, make-up, uncomfortable stuff, sexy stuff, have to look good for others and not for ourselves, because we don't know what we want and are just there to provide eye-candy for men.
I wasn't pretty as a pre-teen. I was fat, badly dressed, mainly because it didn't interest me that much, and spent my time reading. But I still started wearing make-up in my third year of middle-school (there are four years of middle-school and three years of high school in France), mainly because it provided an armour, something distinctive other than the fact I was a foreigner. I liked colouring my eyes a lot. And then I developed acne, so that started me off on skin stuff, foundation and the like.
And I continue to this day.
I love make-up. I love how it makes me look, I love how it makes me feel. I'd say I wear it for myself, but that probably wouldn't be true, because I know make-up makes me prettier, whatever my boyfriend might say about loving me without it. It's also somewhat of a societal pressure, since a woman with make-up is seen as making more of an effort.
I'm definitely not going to stop, although i've been going easier on the skin stuff, having stopped wearing foundation, and I hate that some can call me antifeminist or stupid for this. I understand some of what's behind my make-up wearing, but I'd just rather go on telling myself it's my choice and I do it for myself. Ultimately, I believe it is, but I know there are pressures out there that have made me who I am.
My roommate wears make-up once in a blue moon, because she has insanely sensitive skin, and no-one gives her stick about it, except her boyfriend, who is very much attached to appearances. I worry about that, and try to gently point it out when it comes up, but I can't really take his behaviour head-on. But that's a whole different post. And she's fine like that.
Sometimes I wonder if it hasn't been a lot easier for me growing up here than it would have been in the Uk or the US, because I don't feel as many pressures as others seem to. I feel that women are more casual here, or maybe I'm imagining it.
Or maybe I'm just extremely privileged.
I mean, I'm conventionally attractive, I'm white but not 'pasty', I have dark, thick, straight hair that hairdressers coo over (I recently went to the hairdresser's for the first time in five years-I just find them annoying) but that I ultimately leave alone- I was amazed to meet Brit girls my age when i was fifteen: every single one of them I met had hair straighteners and they all used them once or twice a day, even the girls who already had straight hair. Us Frenchies were baffled, since the most I do to my hair is blow it dry-hey, it's winter^^although I do possess a pair of straighteners, present from my aunt, uncle, cousins when I was sixteen (on my mother's side, the Brit side of the family).
And my American cousin kept telling me her hair was usually a lot nicer because she hadn't brought all her hair products with her-no idea what she intended to do to it, it looked fine to me. People confuse me.
As for clothes : well I hear that French women are classy and often boring, wear too much black, etc etc.
I think simplicity is valued here, but I'll direct you to Garance Doré's blog on more about the cliché.(here's the English version)(it's a great post, really well written and funny :) )
Our stereotypes are that British girls let it all hang out, with clothes that are too tight, too short, too vulgar. This, of course, isn't always true, but many of the girls/women I've seen on the street do fall into this. And I find it extremely ugly, but that's only my opinion, after all, to each their own. I just find it strange, because I'm taking that they dress this way because they feel good like that, at least, I hope so, for them. There's nothing more unpleasant than dressing in a way that doesn't fit or suit you, that you don't feel comfortable in.
I like feeling attractive; I like feeling sexy. I love dresses-in summer. The rest of the time I run around in jeans and a top. I can't stand feeling constricted, so I shun anything too-tight, too short, scratchy or fidgety. My version of sexy doesn't always fit in with mainstream expectations; right now I'm wearing a soft green jumper and a pair or grey trousers-probably what would be called slacks-that float around my legs, and I feel extremely sexy. Add on my beloved combat boots, and I'm happy.
But this is just another version of what's acceptable.
In France, casual clothes are more common; the short, over-the-top sexy stuff is for parties, and frowned upon in everyday life.Not t say that you can't wear a mini-skirt, but the "only one" rule is very well assimilated; basically, show cleavage, or your legs, but not both at once.
And I just don't know how you get away with clothes that aren't practical; This migth stem from the fact that people in France walk a lot more than in America, because of the way cities have been constructed historically, I guess. But I walk everywhere; uni, friend's places, food-shopping, clothes-shopping, everything. So shoes that are going to hurt, a skirt that's going to ride up, a dress that's going to trail along? nope.
it's like high heels. Just not practical, and made, IMO, for men's enjoyment. But I love a pretty pair of heels. I just love shoes in general. But I'll never wear anything that will hurt. I don't really get the point, and the women i know seem to agree :)
But still, only women...
Friday, January 23, 2009
Blog for choice
So all over the blogosphere I've been seeing people talking about what Roe vs Wade means to them.
Maybe I read too many US-based blogs.
For me? Well, on a very personal level, nothing at all. Roe vs Wade doesn't sit in my psyche the way our abortion law does, or the way Britain's abortion act does.
The whole debate about abortion in the US utterly dumbfounds me. Frankly, I grew up in a country where a woman's right to abortion isn't even thought about, except by one of our very right-wing ministers once in a blue moon, so discovering the whole fight it was in the US when I was a pre-teen came as somewhat of a shock.
And the non-logic astounded me-it still does.
You're against abortion, but you're also against birth control?
That destroys any argument you might've had of this being about the babies. See, if the life of a fetus was your main problem, you'd advocate birth control. You'd be pushing for it to be free, readily accessible, all that.
But no. This is about women. This is about the belief that women cannot make their own choices, cannot act responsibly, must be controlled. This is about the fact that you would have your daughters obey you and then their husband. This is about the fact that you have no respect for beliefs different from your own.
And that you despise us.
I'll always defend any woman's right to have an abortion, whatever the circumstances, be it because of rape, an accident, or simply because now is not the right time. There is no "good" or "bad" reason to have an abortion. The choice is ours. This is about our bodies, our lives-and nothing will ever convince me anyone has a right to tell us what we should do.
Maybe I read too many US-based blogs.
For me? Well, on a very personal level, nothing at all. Roe vs Wade doesn't sit in my psyche the way our abortion law does, or the way Britain's abortion act does.
The whole debate about abortion in the US utterly dumbfounds me. Frankly, I grew up in a country where a woman's right to abortion isn't even thought about, except by one of our very right-wing ministers once in a blue moon, so discovering the whole fight it was in the US when I was a pre-teen came as somewhat of a shock.
And the non-logic astounded me-it still does.
You're against abortion, but you're also against birth control?
That destroys any argument you might've had of this being about the babies. See, if the life of a fetus was your main problem, you'd advocate birth control. You'd be pushing for it to be free, readily accessible, all that.
But no. This is about women. This is about the belief that women cannot make their own choices, cannot act responsibly, must be controlled. This is about the fact that you would have your daughters obey you and then their husband. This is about the fact that you have no respect for beliefs different from your own.
And that you despise us.
I'll always defend any woman's right to have an abortion, whatever the circumstances, be it because of rape, an accident, or simply because now is not the right time. There is no "good" or "bad" reason to have an abortion. The choice is ours. This is about our bodies, our lives-and nothing will ever convince me anyone has a right to tell us what we should do.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Tired of it
I'm so tired and depressed tonight.
I'm in the middle of exams, at the moment. I actually failed one pretty badly today. Spectacularly badly, really.
I'm so tired.
I get bouts of "I'm so tired and sick of it all and I want to give up" periodically, but this one has been going on a bit too long for my liking.
I know it'll pass. But I wish I was back to my usual self, who's in my head right now screaming "snap out of it already, you twit! There's no more reason than usual for you to fail and be a total loser!"
But it's not working very well.
being depressed kinda kills any will I might have had to work in the first place, and I berate myself for it, and nothing gets any better.
And I'm nowhere near having my period, so bleuuh.
I seem to expect a lot of myself, but I don't do much to fulfill those expectancies, because, well, I've never had to. I've always breezed through with minimum effort.
I've always wondered how different things would have been if I'd had a more serious approach to things. If I'd made different choices.
Gone to a high school further away that offered chinese as a language ; passed the entrance exam to Sciences Po; basically just worked harder.
I'd probably be having even worse problems with stress, spasmophilia and depression.
I'm just moaning over nothing, I know. I'm twenty in precisely five days, I'm already in my third year at uni, and even if I fail this semester I can pass resits in September.
I just need to get a life and move on^^
I'm in the middle of exams, at the moment. I actually failed one pretty badly today. Spectacularly badly, really.
I'm so tired.
I get bouts of "I'm so tired and sick of it all and I want to give up" periodically, but this one has been going on a bit too long for my liking.
I know it'll pass. But I wish I was back to my usual self, who's in my head right now screaming "snap out of it already, you twit! There's no more reason than usual for you to fail and be a total loser!"
But it's not working very well.
being depressed kinda kills any will I might have had to work in the first place, and I berate myself for it, and nothing gets any better.
And I'm nowhere near having my period, so bleuuh.
I seem to expect a lot of myself, but I don't do much to fulfill those expectancies, because, well, I've never had to. I've always breezed through with minimum effort.
I've always wondered how different things would have been if I'd had a more serious approach to things. If I'd made different choices.
Gone to a high school further away that offered chinese as a language ; passed the entrance exam to Sciences Po; basically just worked harder.
I'd probably be having even worse problems with stress, spasmophilia and depression.
I'm just moaning over nothing, I know. I'm twenty in precisely five days, I'm already in my third year at uni, and even if I fail this semester I can pass resits in September.
I just need to get a life and move on^^
Monday, January 12, 2009
Thinking
I'm exhausted.
Passed two exams today, wrote a load of shit.
One of those dumbass Charlie's Angels movies is on TV and I'm screaming at its sexism every five minutes (plus racism, stereotyping and general stupidness)
Last week's exams, that were cancelled because of the snow, have been change-to moments where I HAVE FUCKING EXAMS! so I'd better get down to uni tomorrow morning and rant.
Interesting discussion at Shakesville
All I know is that it would be easier if I were a man. But I don't want to be a man. I don't want to go through life as a male, in all likelihood unaware of my privilege, I don't want to be not interested in the things I'm interested in now.
What would change if I were a man?
I wouldn't be scared of going home at night, alone
I wouldn't have to fend off unwanted (attention as much)
I wouldn't be shot down as hysterical/angry/gossipy or whatever else is used to dismiss my opinion
I could pee standing up (always wanted to do that), never ever use birth control apart from condoms again (although that is all I use at the moment), never have a period which would be lovely.
I'd probably be another version of my brother, who's average-to-tall, blond, has the same eyes and a similar face structure to mine, and his hair is nearly as long. ANd seeing as the men in my family are skinny as hell, I'd be skinny as hell, in all likelihood. I'd just have dark hair, instead. I'd be a carbon copy of my dad. With straight hair.
My mother would be sad she no longer had a daughter for all the girly stuff we do together, even if it's just chatting.
My father would be sad too, because he's proud of me for who I am.
In my choice of studies, I would have been pushed towards the better schools more than I was, although I chose not to go. My sudden inability to comprehend math when I got to high school would have been questioned and possibly sorted out, although my parents tried to get me help(I went from an average of 15 out of 20 to an average of 5).
I'm in a predominantly female field of study, but I don't feel the males in my classes get more respect than I do. Perhaps because many of our teachers are highly-qualified females, or maybe I just didn't notice.
I'd be lauded for my interest in world affairs, instead of art students like the Ex's friends trying to teach me economics when I've been doing economics courses for the last six years and he never had.
I'd be confident and not aggressive, conversational instead of gossipy, proud instead of arrogant, cocky instead of insolent.
I'd miss my girlfriends, and the strong relationships i have with them.
I might be gay, but there are good chances I'd be bisexual, since at nineteen I'm far from having totally explored my sexuality, and I'm quite attracted to women, without knowing if I could go through with it.
I'd probably miss getting glammed-up, but I'd love dressing as a male-I do my best with my brother, but it's just not the same :P
I'd miss dancing the way I do, because it would look plain weird on a man.
I'd have been pushed towards guitar or saxophone or drums instead of flute when I started music.
I would probably have my driving license by now, instead of my parents letting me not bother.
I'd have to resist societal expectations to drink a lot more.I hardly drink, and it's unusual enough in a girl, to be completely amazing in a guy.
I'd probably be braver, and possibly have my dad's ease and immediate friendliness with people. I'm open and talkative, but as a woman I've been conditioned to be careful. Without this, I'd probably dare a lot more. I might have changed countries after high school, I might've been ready then, who knows.
I'd be mysterious instead of being intimidating and cold!
Sweet...
Passed two exams today, wrote a load of shit.
One of those dumbass Charlie's Angels movies is on TV and I'm screaming at its sexism every five minutes (plus racism, stereotyping and general stupidness)
Last week's exams, that were cancelled because of the snow, have been change-to moments where I HAVE FUCKING EXAMS! so I'd better get down to uni tomorrow morning and rant.
Interesting discussion at Shakesville
All I know is that it would be easier if I were a man. But I don't want to be a man. I don't want to go through life as a male, in all likelihood unaware of my privilege, I don't want to be not interested in the things I'm interested in now.
What would change if I were a man?
I wouldn't be scared of going home at night, alone
I wouldn't have to fend off unwanted (attention as much)
I wouldn't be shot down as hysterical/angry/gossipy or whatever else is used to dismiss my opinion
I could pee standing up (always wanted to do that), never ever use birth control apart from condoms again (although that is all I use at the moment), never have a period which would be lovely.
I'd probably be another version of my brother, who's average-to-tall, blond, has the same eyes and a similar face structure to mine, and his hair is nearly as long. ANd seeing as the men in my family are skinny as hell, I'd be skinny as hell, in all likelihood. I'd just have dark hair, instead. I'd be a carbon copy of my dad. With straight hair.
My mother would be sad she no longer had a daughter for all the girly stuff we do together, even if it's just chatting.
My father would be sad too, because he's proud of me for who I am.
In my choice of studies, I would have been pushed towards the better schools more than I was, although I chose not to go. My sudden inability to comprehend math when I got to high school would have been questioned and possibly sorted out, although my parents tried to get me help(I went from an average of 15 out of 20 to an average of 5).
I'm in a predominantly female field of study, but I don't feel the males in my classes get more respect than I do. Perhaps because many of our teachers are highly-qualified females, or maybe I just didn't notice.
I'd be lauded for my interest in world affairs, instead of art students like the Ex's friends trying to teach me economics when I've been doing economics courses for the last six years and he never had.
I'd be confident and not aggressive, conversational instead of gossipy, proud instead of arrogant, cocky instead of insolent.
I'd miss my girlfriends, and the strong relationships i have with them.
I might be gay, but there are good chances I'd be bisexual, since at nineteen I'm far from having totally explored my sexuality, and I'm quite attracted to women, without knowing if I could go through with it.
I'd probably miss getting glammed-up, but I'd love dressing as a male-I do my best with my brother, but it's just not the same :P
I'd miss dancing the way I do, because it would look plain weird on a man.
I'd have been pushed towards guitar or saxophone or drums instead of flute when I started music.
I would probably have my driving license by now, instead of my parents letting me not bother.
I'd have to resist societal expectations to drink a lot more.I hardly drink, and it's unusual enough in a girl, to be completely amazing in a guy.
I'd probably be braver, and possibly have my dad's ease and immediate friendliness with people. I'm open and talkative, but as a woman I've been conditioned to be careful. Without this, I'd probably dare a lot more. I might have changed countries after high school, I might've been ready then, who knows.
I'd be mysterious instead of being intimidating and cold!
Sweet...
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Panicking
SO Christmas was good, so was New year's, spent the holidays with JJ, had a lot of fun, didn't do a scrap of work and came back to my flat thinking "shit, i'm in trouble".
My exams were supposed to start last week but five were cancelled because of the snow. (Snow!you can't understand how amazing this is to us)
ANd now i have marketing and economics tomorrow and I am so screwed.
My exams were supposed to start last week but five were cancelled because of the snow. (Snow!you can't understand how amazing this is to us)
ANd now i have marketing and economics tomorrow and I am so screwed.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Age of consent
I've been reading debates about the age of consent recently. How young is too young?
The age here is fifteen. Which is the age at which I started.
The average in France is seventeen.
I hear fifteen is too young. Depends for who.
I don't regret it. Was it shameful? Not for me, although I acquired a slightly slutty reputation. Cause yeah, not being a great believer in love and all that when I was a teen, I slept with a friend, who was seventeen and a virgin, one night. Did I want to ?Absolutely. Did he pressure me? No. He'd have been in too much trouble, I had protective friends. If he had, I wouldn't have done it. I'm impossibly contrary.
I didn't subscribe to all the fairytale loving,waiting for true-love-and-prince-charming schools of thought.
Does that make me stupid?
I'd like to think not. Something I've always felt is that those stories are very much used to keep a tight grip on female sexuality, which seems to be something menacing, for some reason.
Oh, I've watched the Disneys and read the Hans christian Andersens, but I didn't want to be a princess. It seemed so goddamn boring.
The only thing I ever did believe in was having sex for your own reasons, for yourself, because you wanted to. Not because everyone else was doing it, not because your boyfriend threatened to leave you if you didn't, not because people called you a prude. Stick to your guns, and you'll feel all the better for it. And don't let anyone tell you how you feel is wrong. But don't tell anyone how they feel is wrong, either.
Really, it's no-one's business.
As to statutory rape laws, they punish anyone having sex with someone under fifteen, and anyone over eighteen having sex with someone under eighteen, even though the age of consent is fifteen.
Although--prosecution, for consensual sex, is just about inexistent, as far as I'm aware.
I think this has a very strong link to control.
I've had many friends going out with older boys/men, depending on the circumstances.
When I was in high school, when you heard about a girl of fifteen going out with a man of thirty, everyone went "eeuw!"
But there's more than just "eeux" behind these relationships. They're downright creepy. It is not normal for a man of thirty to date a fifteen-year-old. What has she got that a woman closer to him in age doesn't?
One of my close friends in high school dated a guy who was eight years older than her from the time she was fourteen to last year, when he wanted them to move in together and have children, and she opposed a very definite NO. So he left.
The Best Friend has been harassed recently by a thirty-year-old she dated for about ten days, when she told him she didn't want to see him anymore because she was tired of his mood swings and his insulting her when he was in a bad mood. He went crazy after that, she had to go see the cops.
It all comes down to control.
You want someone easier to manipulate, who you can convince that things are meant to be this way, that this si how it happens, that this is how sex should be, that in a relationship a woman should be subservient, that she should make all the effort and beg for the few scraps of love he deigns give her?
Take a younger girl.
This kind of shit makes me sick. This is how you get people who're totally confused, and I've known my share.
But oh, the arrogance of them!The self-satisfaction! Of course a fifteen year old is easier to manipulate than a twenty-five year old, however mature she is. She's less likely to have fallen prey to someone like you before.
I met my first and only manipulative boyfriend at sixteen. Never slept with him,and only dated him for two weeks,but he just got off on keeping me running. Thankfully, after a couple months of stupidity, I came back to my senses.
And this is a happy outcome. I know why this happened then, but still, I was silly.
But it all goes with the flow in a male-oriented culture.
You're so angry women your age won't look at you, you go and find a younger girl who can be subservient.
This is why the Best Friend got harassed. That crazy dude expected a twenty-year would just put up with his shit, would give in to him again someday-because she dumped him, but they stayed in touch, and he spent a while pressuring her to come back. Arrogant, entitled jerk.
And this justs goes on, and on, and on.
Control and entitlement.
I could apply this to the Ex. We both knew I was never under his control, thank goodness, but he was entitled to my time. He had to be more important than my studies, which was just not happening. So we broke up.
Funny thing is, he's the sweetest, gentlest person ever.
It's so pervasive..I'd better stop, this is making me sad.
The age here is fifteen. Which is the age at which I started.
The average in France is seventeen.
I hear fifteen is too young. Depends for who.
I don't regret it. Was it shameful? Not for me, although I acquired a slightly slutty reputation. Cause yeah, not being a great believer in love and all that when I was a teen, I slept with a friend, who was seventeen and a virgin, one night. Did I want to ?Absolutely. Did he pressure me? No. He'd have been in too much trouble, I had protective friends. If he had, I wouldn't have done it. I'm impossibly contrary.
I didn't subscribe to all the fairytale loving,waiting for true-love-and-prince-charming schools of thought.
Does that make me stupid?
I'd like to think not. Something I've always felt is that those stories are very much used to keep a tight grip on female sexuality, which seems to be something menacing, for some reason.
Oh, I've watched the Disneys and read the Hans christian Andersens, but I didn't want to be a princess. It seemed so goddamn boring.
The only thing I ever did believe in was having sex for your own reasons, for yourself, because you wanted to. Not because everyone else was doing it, not because your boyfriend threatened to leave you if you didn't, not because people called you a prude. Stick to your guns, and you'll feel all the better for it. And don't let anyone tell you how you feel is wrong. But don't tell anyone how they feel is wrong, either.
Really, it's no-one's business.
As to statutory rape laws, they punish anyone having sex with someone under fifteen, and anyone over eighteen having sex with someone under eighteen, even though the age of consent is fifteen.
Although--prosecution, for consensual sex, is just about inexistent, as far as I'm aware.
I think this has a very strong link to control.
I've had many friends going out with older boys/men, depending on the circumstances.
When I was in high school, when you heard about a girl of fifteen going out with a man of thirty, everyone went "eeuw!"
But there's more than just "eeux" behind these relationships. They're downright creepy. It is not normal for a man of thirty to date a fifteen-year-old. What has she got that a woman closer to him in age doesn't?
One of my close friends in high school dated a guy who was eight years older than her from the time she was fourteen to last year, when he wanted them to move in together and have children, and she opposed a very definite NO. So he left.
The Best Friend has been harassed recently by a thirty-year-old she dated for about ten days, when she told him she didn't want to see him anymore because she was tired of his mood swings and his insulting her when he was in a bad mood. He went crazy after that, she had to go see the cops.
It all comes down to control.
You want someone easier to manipulate, who you can convince that things are meant to be this way, that this si how it happens, that this is how sex should be, that in a relationship a woman should be subservient, that she should make all the effort and beg for the few scraps of love he deigns give her?
Take a younger girl.
This kind of shit makes me sick. This is how you get people who're totally confused, and I've known my share.
But oh, the arrogance of them!The self-satisfaction! Of course a fifteen year old is easier to manipulate than a twenty-five year old, however mature she is. She's less likely to have fallen prey to someone like you before.
I met my first and only manipulative boyfriend at sixteen. Never slept with him,and only dated him for two weeks,but he just got off on keeping me running. Thankfully, after a couple months of stupidity, I came back to my senses.
And this is a happy outcome. I know why this happened then, but still, I was silly.
But it all goes with the flow in a male-oriented culture.
You're so angry women your age won't look at you, you go and find a younger girl who can be subservient.
This is why the Best Friend got harassed. That crazy dude expected a twenty-year would just put up with his shit, would give in to him again someday-because she dumped him, but they stayed in touch, and he spent a while pressuring her to come back. Arrogant, entitled jerk.
And this justs goes on, and on, and on.
Control and entitlement.
I could apply this to the Ex. We both knew I was never under his control, thank goodness, but he was entitled to my time. He had to be more important than my studies, which was just not happening. So we broke up.
Funny thing is, he's the sweetest, gentlest person ever.
It's so pervasive..I'd better stop, this is making me sad.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Better but not perfect
Thank God for JJ. He's definitely useful for when I'm having an irrational moment.
I've missed Lulu so much, and she's back, and I get depressed because I don't feel good enough?
Pshaw. How perfectly idiotic.
I've been totally off-radar for the past week, haven't been reading, haven't been writing.
I've discovered some great new posts, and some terrifying news from the last days of the Bush administration, covered by Feministe.
I don't really have much to add on this, except that I find it absolutely fucking amazing. Incredible.
How can you create a law that allows anyone to refuse, BIRTH CONTROL?
I get the morning-after pill if the condom splits from the first pharmacy I see. And when i was still on the pill, it happened that I left the box at my parent's, or forgot my prescription, and I'd just turn up at the pharmacy, tell them, and give them the name of my Pill, end of story.
I'm so happy I live here.
But I just don't understand. How is birth control wrong? It stops abortions, after all. People aren't going to stop having sex just like that. It's not going to bring back some so-called morality.
It seems so logical. No birth control = more unwanted pregnancies.
Please tell me how that is good for anyone.
But the ramifications go so much further. I'm just going on right now, the Feministe post is excellent, but I just can't get my head around it. It's not as if I lived in a society that has no need for feminism. We make less than men, we get raped, men are Don Juans and girls are sluts, men have the better jobs, all that.
But this? Is just unthinkable. Unfuckingthinkable.
Feminist is a dirty word in France as much as in many other countries.
But whatever happens no-one is dreaming of taking away abortion or birthcontrol or allowing doctors to not treat people because of moral reasons. Doctors can be crazy and a fucking pain in the ass, in which case you change. But this kind of shit is just illegal.
I just wonder if I actually live on the same planet as these people.
I've missed Lulu so much, and she's back, and I get depressed because I don't feel good enough?
Pshaw. How perfectly idiotic.
I've been totally off-radar for the past week, haven't been reading, haven't been writing.
I've discovered some great new posts, and some terrifying news from the last days of the Bush administration, covered by Feministe.
I don't really have much to add on this, except that I find it absolutely fucking amazing. Incredible.
How can you create a law that allows anyone to refuse, BIRTH CONTROL?
I get the morning-after pill if the condom splits from the first pharmacy I see. And when i was still on the pill, it happened that I left the box at my parent's, or forgot my prescription, and I'd just turn up at the pharmacy, tell them, and give them the name of my Pill, end of story.
I'm so happy I live here.
But I just don't understand. How is birth control wrong? It stops abortions, after all. People aren't going to stop having sex just like that. It's not going to bring back some so-called morality.
It seems so logical. No birth control = more unwanted pregnancies.
Please tell me how that is good for anyone.
But the ramifications go so much further. I'm just going on right now, the Feministe post is excellent, but I just can't get my head around it. It's not as if I lived in a society that has no need for feminism. We make less than men, we get raped, men are Don Juans and girls are sluts, men have the better jobs, all that.
But this? Is just unthinkable. Unfuckingthinkable.
Feminist is a dirty word in France as much as in many other countries.
But whatever happens no-one is dreaming of taking away abortion or birthcontrol or allowing doctors to not treat people because of moral reasons. Doctors can be crazy and a fucking pain in the ass, in which case you change. But this kind of shit is just illegal.
I just wonder if I actually live on the same planet as these people.
Holidays
...And man did I need them.
Exams, etcetera, left me in a pretty exhausted state by the end. Plus I went Christmas shopping with my mother Friday and Saturday, which tends to be a pain in the ass.
So I'm back home. Friday night went out with JJ and his mates, and yesterday went out with Best Friend, Foufoune, Flo and two of their Marseille mates, one of which is sooo sexy :D
I got absolutely hammered on white sangria and it was freezing.
We ended up at Foufoune's, where he and Flo had a moment of revelation "Froufrou, you've slept with more people than we have!" Duh, yeah, so?
Tonight my lovely Lulu got back from Cadiz, and she and Best Friend came over and we gossiped for about three hours.
I feel like such a loser right now.
Lulu was telling all her stories of parties and surfers and English mates and all the foreigners she's met, and how much fun, etcetera.
I feel...boring. Settled down, which is not an aim of mine yet. Yeah, boring.
And it doesn't feel that good.
Yeah, I'm moaning about nothing.
Exams, etcetera, left me in a pretty exhausted state by the end. Plus I went Christmas shopping with my mother Friday and Saturday, which tends to be a pain in the ass.
So I'm back home. Friday night went out with JJ and his mates, and yesterday went out with Best Friend, Foufoune, Flo and two of their Marseille mates, one of which is sooo sexy :D
I got absolutely hammered on white sangria and it was freezing.
We ended up at Foufoune's, where he and Flo had a moment of revelation "Froufrou, you've slept with more people than we have!" Duh, yeah, so?
Tonight my lovely Lulu got back from Cadiz, and she and Best Friend came over and we gossiped for about three hours.
I feel like such a loser right now.
Lulu was telling all her stories of parties and surfers and English mates and all the foreigners she's met, and how much fun, etcetera.
I feel...boring. Settled down, which is not an aim of mine yet. Yeah, boring.
And it doesn't feel that good.
Yeah, I'm moaning about nothing.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Rain, rain, rain
It's been pouring here.
JJ's house is flooded.
My parent's house has a leak in the roof. It's a mess.
A rainy Sunday, in which I did nothing useful, instead of working, and am feeling kinda down.
JJ's house is flooded.
My parent's house has a leak in the roof. It's a mess.
A rainy Sunday, in which I did nothing useful, instead of working, and am feeling kinda down.
Friday, December 12, 2008
I live in a fucking sick world
Linking to the most disturbing ad of the year at feministe.
Better put a trigger warning, since the picture made me sick, and I don't have anything to be triggered by.
Seriously, what fucking world do I live in when this is fucking normal??
I'm so fucking angry it's not even funny.
So I sent a message to Duncan Quinn ( info@duncanquinn.com ) detailing how vile I thought they were, and that's all I can do.
I am so fucking thankful that ad won't be plastered all over the place here. I'd never even heard of Duncan Quinn before.
And to the fools who say all publicity is good publicity : WRONG
I know I shall be staying far far away from anything with a Duncan Quinn label for the REST OF MY LIFE.
I have a good memory.
I'm not a violence survivor and I found it painful.
My heart goes out to all those whose memories might be triggered by this.
Fucking hell, I'm incoherent with rage.
I could go on about how anger is only positive for males (I'm "scary") but I'll say my anger is perfectly rational and by god could I explain it for a long time.
I shall go throw up now.
Better put a trigger warning, since the picture made me sick, and I don't have anything to be triggered by.
Seriously, what fucking world do I live in when this is fucking normal??
I'm so fucking angry it's not even funny.
So I sent a message to Duncan Quinn ( info@duncanquinn.com ) detailing how vile I thought they were, and that's all I can do.
I am so fucking thankful that ad won't be plastered all over the place here. I'd never even heard of Duncan Quinn before.
And to the fools who say all publicity is good publicity : WRONG
I know I shall be staying far far away from anything with a Duncan Quinn label for the REST OF MY LIFE.
I have a good memory.
I'm not a violence survivor and I found it painful.
My heart goes out to all those whose memories might be triggered by this.
Fucking hell, I'm incoherent with rage.
I could go on about how anger is only positive for males (I'm "scary") but I'll say my anger is perfectly rational and by god could I explain it for a long time.
I shall go throw up now.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
On Ageing and why I love internet :D
This post in yet another that makes me love internet.
I had to post a comment thanking her for it.(And blathering on a bit, but I can't help it, I'm textually incontinent, it's a terrible syndrome)
I'm young. That's a fact. I don't have to worry about aging just yet, although my cigarette consumption (BAD!BAD!) is supposedly going to kill off all my skin cells in five years, or something.
Problem : I knew girls when I was in high school who already used antiwrinkle cream. That's something that definitely had me stunned. Girl in question was twenty, because she wasn't that good at school and so was three years late, but even so. Twenty? Are you kidding me?
I mean seriously. Youth might be pretty, but it's kinda dumb. Not always, of course, but I'm not reading all these deconstructions of the world around me by people my age.
I'm immensely thankful for all the blogs out there that put words on what I'm feeling, because I can't say it.
I haven't the experience. I haven't been thinking about it all that long. And it's not the kind of thing I discuss casually with someone while having a cigarette in between classes. I talk about it with my roommate, with JJ, with my closer friends.
I already have a reputation for being kinda intense,for taking some things seriously, this just makes it worse :D
And I'll argue forever the fact that being intense was ever negative.
I guess I'm trying to get to the fact that our cultures have to be totally and completely fucked-up for people to put youth as such an ideal.
Youth doesn't know. We're taught things, but haven't always experienced them. Often haven't experienced them.
I'll seem to be putting my peers down, but I'm not. We're not dumb. Well, not always. But in some things, we haven't been fighting for them long enough, haven't actually started fighting yet because we've haven't realised they were necessary, haven't actually opened our eyes to the world around us.
After all, youth is the time for selfishness. Many of my peers have hardly left home yet. Many don't live adult lives. I don't yet. My parents pay my bills, although I've left home. I couldn't get an education here otherwise, and would be left learning in the second-grade university at home, with all the losers I grew up with.
On the ageing part-I don't want to be afraid of getting old. I guess I'll see when I come to it. Time goes far too fast in any case, I'm turning twenty in a couple months.
But I'm not scared yet. I have good role models around me.
My mother turned fifty this year, and despite her self-proclaimed fat (my mother has spent her life since I turned up dieting and putting on weight. I find it infinitely depressing. Luckily she's reasonable about it and doesn't go nuts, which has helped me have a semi reasonable stance with food-basically I just eat what I want and to hell with it), she's an attractive woman, who does so fucking much, it's just not funny. I'd like to see someone tell her life at fifty is over. The woman does more than I do, puts me to shame.
My godmother is the same age. Put them together and I'm the one who feels old :)
My best friend's mother is forty. She's an incredibly attractive woman, like every woman in that family,that includes the Best Friend, who's twenty, her mother's two sisters, and her grandmother, who's fifty-eight and amazing.
They're all active, fun women who happen to be attractive. And that shouldn't be the most important thing a woman should retain as time passes.
What's the point in beauty if you can think behind it? If it's just an empty shell?
I guess that's all too easy for me to say. After all, I get to be young, slim, and conventionally attractive.
I'm not special. I'm not different. I just want to able to grow up in peace, and that's not likely to happen.
Funnily enough, I don't feel that pressured by magazine girls. And me and Roommate dearest have a good laugh every month with Glamour and Cosmo who are the root of all evil from what I've understood, but I think the French versions are slightly different, and they're the best thing to empty your head, and why on earth am I justifying myself?Tsch.
I'd feel more pressured by the girls around me.
I live in a upper-class town. half is money, half is students. Expensive. Quality. Lots of southern bourgeoisie.
I'm in a Humanities university. That means the ratio of girls is about sixty/seventy percent.
My classes are full of girls. So competition is high, which is why two strangers call me "that kinda intellectual, stuck up bitch who thinks she's all that", I suppose.
And France is a VERY fattist country. Remember that book "French women don't get fat" ? French women aren't supposed to get fat. It's unfeminine.
Also, the food helps, but that's a whole different story.
Back to the story, since I rather look towards the girls and women around me, it's incredibly reassuring for when I get older. I don't feel that I'll be worthless at thirty.
My teachers are all over thirty. Ms L, one of my chinese teachers, was at least sixty, and she was amazing. Every one of her students loved her.
I watch TV. I follow mainstream media. I read blogs. I read magazines. I'm that common. And I'm cursed with an amazing memory for all things pointless, so I remember stupid details about celebrities.
But I don't feel pressured to fit in to their world. Also because it's perfectly impossible, but primarily because they're too far-off.
We have very beautiful celebrities of our own, who occasionnally turn up here because it's one of the main Southern towns, but they're a lot more real, and they're freaks of nature :)
Look at Catherine Deneuve. She's said to have been under the knife a lot. She still looks pretty natural, pretty good for a woman in her seventies.(I think she's 71, but I'm not certain)
Brigitte Bardot was insanely beautiful, and gave up on all that to fight for animal rights (and become a right-wing nut, but that 's a whole different story). She maybe didn't "age gracefully". Point of the story? She doesn't give a fuck, she's far too busy elsewhere.And she did so much during her acting career!
Line Renaud turned eighty this year and most of French TV celebrated her birthday.
Come to think of it most popular French actresses are forty or more.
Emmanuelle Béart,Isabelle Adjani, Isabelle Huppert, Fanny Ardant, Nathalie Baye, Emmanuelle Seigner, Juliette Binoche, Catherine Frot, Jeanne Moreau.
Some of them are notoriously insane. Not all are amazingly beautiful. But they all seem comfortable in their own skin, even though I suspect Emmanuelle Béart of having had her lips plumped up^^
Shite, this is far too long.
I had to post a comment thanking her for it.(And blathering on a bit, but I can't help it, I'm textually incontinent, it's a terrible syndrome)
I'm young. That's a fact. I don't have to worry about aging just yet, although my cigarette consumption (BAD!BAD!) is supposedly going to kill off all my skin cells in five years, or something.
Problem : I knew girls when I was in high school who already used antiwrinkle cream. That's something that definitely had me stunned. Girl in question was twenty, because she wasn't that good at school and so was three years late, but even so. Twenty? Are you kidding me?
I mean seriously. Youth might be pretty, but it's kinda dumb. Not always, of course, but I'm not reading all these deconstructions of the world around me by people my age.
I'm immensely thankful for all the blogs out there that put words on what I'm feeling, because I can't say it.
I haven't the experience. I haven't been thinking about it all that long. And it's not the kind of thing I discuss casually with someone while having a cigarette in between classes. I talk about it with my roommate, with JJ, with my closer friends.
I already have a reputation for being kinda intense,for taking some things seriously, this just makes it worse :D
And I'll argue forever the fact that being intense was ever negative.
I guess I'm trying to get to the fact that our cultures have to be totally and completely fucked-up for people to put youth as such an ideal.
Youth doesn't know. We're taught things, but haven't always experienced them. Often haven't experienced them.
I'll seem to be putting my peers down, but I'm not. We're not dumb. Well, not always. But in some things, we haven't been fighting for them long enough, haven't actually started fighting yet because we've haven't realised they were necessary, haven't actually opened our eyes to the world around us.
After all, youth is the time for selfishness. Many of my peers have hardly left home yet. Many don't live adult lives. I don't yet. My parents pay my bills, although I've left home. I couldn't get an education here otherwise, and would be left learning in the second-grade university at home, with all the losers I grew up with.
On the ageing part-I don't want to be afraid of getting old. I guess I'll see when I come to it. Time goes far too fast in any case, I'm turning twenty in a couple months.
But I'm not scared yet. I have good role models around me.
My mother turned fifty this year, and despite her self-proclaimed fat (my mother has spent her life since I turned up dieting and putting on weight. I find it infinitely depressing. Luckily she's reasonable about it and doesn't go nuts, which has helped me have a semi reasonable stance with food-basically I just eat what I want and to hell with it), she's an attractive woman, who does so fucking much, it's just not funny. I'd like to see someone tell her life at fifty is over. The woman does more than I do, puts me to shame.
My godmother is the same age. Put them together and I'm the one who feels old :)
My best friend's mother is forty. She's an incredibly attractive woman, like every woman in that family,that includes the Best Friend, who's twenty, her mother's two sisters, and her grandmother, who's fifty-eight and amazing.
They're all active, fun women who happen to be attractive. And that shouldn't be the most important thing a woman should retain as time passes.
What's the point in beauty if you can think behind it? If it's just an empty shell?
I guess that's all too easy for me to say. After all, I get to be young, slim, and conventionally attractive.
I'm not special. I'm not different. I just want to able to grow up in peace, and that's not likely to happen.
Funnily enough, I don't feel that pressured by magazine girls. And me and Roommate dearest have a good laugh every month with Glamour and Cosmo who are the root of all evil from what I've understood, but I think the French versions are slightly different, and they're the best thing to empty your head, and why on earth am I justifying myself?Tsch.
I'd feel more pressured by the girls around me.
I live in a upper-class town. half is money, half is students. Expensive. Quality. Lots of southern bourgeoisie.
I'm in a Humanities university. That means the ratio of girls is about sixty/seventy percent.
My classes are full of girls. So competition is high, which is why two strangers call me "that kinda intellectual, stuck up bitch who thinks she's all that", I suppose.
And France is a VERY fattist country. Remember that book "French women don't get fat" ? French women aren't supposed to get fat. It's unfeminine.
Also, the food helps, but that's a whole different story.
Back to the story, since I rather look towards the girls and women around me, it's incredibly reassuring for when I get older. I don't feel that I'll be worthless at thirty.
My teachers are all over thirty. Ms L, one of my chinese teachers, was at least sixty, and she was amazing. Every one of her students loved her.
I watch TV. I follow mainstream media. I read blogs. I read magazines. I'm that common. And I'm cursed with an amazing memory for all things pointless, so I remember stupid details about celebrities.
But I don't feel pressured to fit in to their world. Also because it's perfectly impossible, but primarily because they're too far-off.
We have very beautiful celebrities of our own, who occasionnally turn up here because it's one of the main Southern towns, but they're a lot more real, and they're freaks of nature :)
Look at Catherine Deneuve. She's said to have been under the knife a lot. She still looks pretty natural, pretty good for a woman in her seventies.(I think she's 71, but I'm not certain)
Brigitte Bardot was insanely beautiful, and gave up on all that to fight for animal rights (and become a right-wing nut, but that 's a whole different story). She maybe didn't "age gracefully". Point of the story? She doesn't give a fuck, she's far too busy elsewhere.And she did so much during her acting career!
Line Renaud turned eighty this year and most of French TV celebrated her birthday.
Come to think of it most popular French actresses are forty or more.
Emmanuelle Béart,Isabelle Adjani, Isabelle Huppert, Fanny Ardant, Nathalie Baye, Emmanuelle Seigner, Juliette Binoche, Catherine Frot, Jeanne Moreau.
Some of them are notoriously insane. Not all are amazingly beautiful. But they all seem comfortable in their own skin, even though I suspect Emmanuelle Béart of having had her lips plumped up^^
Shite, this is far too long.
Trouble ahoy
...Smells like more demonstrations.
We heard the high-schoolers chanting outside uni yesterday morning. Protesting against the changes they're trying to make in highschool and their getting rid of approximatively 13000 teachers( numbers probably incorrect because they keep changing).
I don't know much about this reform. All I know is that less teachers is less help for students, which is bad. As for the changes made to high school, I've heard that instead of trimesters the year will function in semesters like at university, and the core knowledges will change, apparently history might not be compulsory or something.
France has one of the most demanding high-school systems in the world; I had between thirty and thirty-five hours of class per week throughout my three years.
It's divided in three main sections : S (science) ES (economics) and L (litterature). Next to that there are sections that deal more with management or electronics, but they're rather overlooked. You want to get anywhere in France? Get a Bac S.
Bac in Baccalauréat, the end of high school exam. Can't do anything without it, really.
So classes in your last year of high school :
In ES (this was my section, so I know it best): Economics, History, Geography, Language number 1, Language number 2, Maths, Philosophy, Sports, and an option (extra maths, extra english, or extra economics)
In S :Maths, Physics, Chemistry, Biology, History, Geography, Languages 1 and 2(2 not being compulsory if I remember right), Philosophy, Sports
In L: Litterature, Philosophy, History, Geography, Sports, Languages 1, 2, and often 3 (and Art could be an extra, if I remember right)
So in common we all had History, Geography, Sports, Philosophy, and Languages. Which is already pretty good.
Plus, in your first year of high school you all do the same except for one option which will determine which section you choose the next year : ISI (initiation aux sciences de l'ingénieur-for the math types, they fiddle around with machines from what I understand) Economics, or a third language.
So at the time we all had biology and physics and math and French.
In your second year you get to choose your section and things change ever so slightly; I got to give up Physics, to my greatest joy.
Everyone gets a French exam that year, those of us in the ES section also have a biology exam, and the Ls get French, biology, and math. Which is why they don't have those subjects anymore afterwards.
It's a complicated system, especially when you're not French, I remember how complicated my mother found it, but it seems to sort itself out pretty much for most of us.
Any meaningful changes to the system make us all very insecure.
The baccalauréat is a venerable institution, one we're used to and comfortable with. Every year it's the same shenanigans.
A month or two before, the news starts talking about it, about the latest revision methods, private courses, how much kids are working, how many parents are paying for private tuition. And after we get the age of the youngest bachelier(=person who obtains the Bac) of France (every year there's some kid of thirteen or fourteen who gets it when usually you get it the year you turn eighteen. I'm already an anomaly because I got it at seventeen. I always feel sorry for them), the person with the best grades, the percentage who got it, all that.
It's habit.
Every year we're told that the level has gone down. My history teacher used to tell us that we were asked harder things than he and his peers ever were, but thatour exams were graded accordingly : that is, they went easy on us.
An experiment was done a few months ago, when the same exam copies were given to something like fifteen different teachers, and the grades of each copy went from 5 to 15 out of 20.
It's kinda subjective^^
But real failures are few. In 2008 I think 83% of kids got it.
We're asked to know a lot, about a lot of things. There's a verb "bachoter" which has come to mean cramming for exams, which comes from the word Baccalauréat. Cramming for the Bac.
But that's the way things are.
Now I can appreciate being made to learn all that because it gave me a solid background knowledge. Even though I was crap at math then and I'm crap at math now.
It taught me to logic, and to argue my way through things, especially in philosophy; in essence you could write what the hell you wanted as long as it was logical.
Not saying that I was very good at it, but it does help :)
We heard the high-schoolers chanting outside uni yesterday morning. Protesting against the changes they're trying to make in highschool and their getting rid of approximatively 13000 teachers( numbers probably incorrect because they keep changing).
I don't know much about this reform. All I know is that less teachers is less help for students, which is bad. As for the changes made to high school, I've heard that instead of trimesters the year will function in semesters like at university, and the core knowledges will change, apparently history might not be compulsory or something.
France has one of the most demanding high-school systems in the world; I had between thirty and thirty-five hours of class per week throughout my three years.
It's divided in three main sections : S (science) ES (economics) and L (litterature). Next to that there are sections that deal more with management or electronics, but they're rather overlooked. You want to get anywhere in France? Get a Bac S.
Bac in Baccalauréat, the end of high school exam. Can't do anything without it, really.
So classes in your last year of high school :
In ES (this was my section, so I know it best): Economics, History, Geography, Language number 1, Language number 2, Maths, Philosophy, Sports, and an option (extra maths, extra english, or extra economics)
In S :Maths, Physics, Chemistry, Biology, History, Geography, Languages 1 and 2(2 not being compulsory if I remember right), Philosophy, Sports
In L: Litterature, Philosophy, History, Geography, Sports, Languages 1, 2, and often 3 (and Art could be an extra, if I remember right)
So in common we all had History, Geography, Sports, Philosophy, and Languages. Which is already pretty good.
Plus, in your first year of high school you all do the same except for one option which will determine which section you choose the next year : ISI (initiation aux sciences de l'ingénieur-for the math types, they fiddle around with machines from what I understand) Economics, or a third language.
So at the time we all had biology and physics and math and French.
In your second year you get to choose your section and things change ever so slightly; I got to give up Physics, to my greatest joy.
Everyone gets a French exam that year, those of us in the ES section also have a biology exam, and the Ls get French, biology, and math. Which is why they don't have those subjects anymore afterwards.
It's a complicated system, especially when you're not French, I remember how complicated my mother found it, but it seems to sort itself out pretty much for most of us.
Any meaningful changes to the system make us all very insecure.
The baccalauréat is a venerable institution, one we're used to and comfortable with. Every year it's the same shenanigans.
A month or two before, the news starts talking about it, about the latest revision methods, private courses, how much kids are working, how many parents are paying for private tuition. And after we get the age of the youngest bachelier(=person who obtains the Bac) of France (every year there's some kid of thirteen or fourteen who gets it when usually you get it the year you turn eighteen. I'm already an anomaly because I got it at seventeen. I always feel sorry for them), the person with the best grades, the percentage who got it, all that.
It's habit.
Every year we're told that the level has gone down. My history teacher used to tell us that we were asked harder things than he and his peers ever were, but thatour exams were graded accordingly : that is, they went easy on us.
An experiment was done a few months ago, when the same exam copies were given to something like fifteen different teachers, and the grades of each copy went from 5 to 15 out of 20.
It's kinda subjective^^
But real failures are few. In 2008 I think 83% of kids got it.
We're asked to know a lot, about a lot of things. There's a verb "bachoter" which has come to mean cramming for exams, which comes from the word Baccalauréat. Cramming for the Bac.
But that's the way things are.
Now I can appreciate being made to learn all that because it gave me a solid background knowledge. Even though I was crap at math then and I'm crap at math now.
It taught me to logic, and to argue my way through things, especially in philosophy; in essence you could write what the hell you wanted as long as it was logical.
Not saying that I was very good at it, but it does help :)
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Slightly annoyed
...by a couple of girls I can't place who told a mate of mine "oh yeah, she's that kinda intellectual, stuck up bitch who thinks she's all that"
Oooohhh, nice.
Tried to figure out who it was. I got a succinct description, and I still have no idea.
Puzzled. Why on earth would someone go out of their way to belittle me to a friend of mine?
Said friend is male and got into one of France's big schools, Sciences Po, this year. To impress him?
Still bizarre, and a bad move, since he kicked their butts.
I just don't get it.
How does it make you feel better? I mean, I hope it does, because otherwise it's even more pointless. It makes me so confused.
Telling someone who is certainly going to tell me? Are you aiming to hurt me?
Thank god I'm not that insecure.
But if this was the point, I'm sorry for you. Seriously. I'm happy I'm not in that place.
I guess I could find out who you are, and with little effort build your reputations as bitchy insecure fools, but that would be a waste of time and effort, however small.
Utterly and totally puzzled.
Oooohhh, nice.
Tried to figure out who it was. I got a succinct description, and I still have no idea.
Puzzled. Why on earth would someone go out of their way to belittle me to a friend of mine?
Said friend is male and got into one of France's big schools, Sciences Po, this year. To impress him?
Still bizarre, and a bad move, since he kicked their butts.
I just don't get it.
How does it make you feel better? I mean, I hope it does, because otherwise it's even more pointless. It makes me so confused.
Telling someone who is certainly going to tell me? Are you aiming to hurt me?
Thank god I'm not that insecure.
But if this was the point, I'm sorry for you. Seriously. I'm happy I'm not in that place.
I guess I could find out who you are, and with little effort build your reputations as bitchy insecure fools, but that would be a waste of time and effort, however small.
Utterly and totally puzzled.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Dum dee dum
new blog discovery: the F word.
It's the first time I encounter a british blog that deals with feminism, and it's a pleasant surprise.
I must admit to a somewhat stereotypical image of Britain in this respect, because I seem to get only negative echoes.
I don't see how going out and getting drunk, going out half undressed, aspiring to be a WAG or an X factor contestant is in any way feminist or empowering.
And of course there is the small matter of the ever-dwindling rape conviction rate, which makes me want to cry, but that's a whole different story.
I try not to give in to stereotyping, but I get so much of the French-bashing from Brits that it doesn't make me want to cut my homeland any slack.
But if you wish to know, the French think that the British women are sluts just as any French girl gets called a slut in Britain. And that's all I'll say for now, because i'm in a bad mood.
It's the first time I encounter a british blog that deals with feminism, and it's a pleasant surprise.
I must admit to a somewhat stereotypical image of Britain in this respect, because I seem to get only negative echoes.
I don't see how going out and getting drunk, going out half undressed, aspiring to be a WAG or an X factor contestant is in any way feminist or empowering.
And of course there is the small matter of the ever-dwindling rape conviction rate, which makes me want to cry, but that's a whole different story.
I try not to give in to stereotyping, but I get so much of the French-bashing from Brits that it doesn't make me want to cut my homeland any slack.
But if you wish to know, the French think that the British women are sluts just as any French girl gets called a slut in Britain. And that's all I'll say for now, because i'm in a bad mood.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
I'm a pain in the ass (and I have a one-track mind)
JJ was commenting on how much sweeter I am as a girlfriend than as a friend.
Then he realised that actually, no : I just soften my acid/bad/burn jokes by being a cuddly Carebear.
I met his two of his stepbrothers this weekend and the older one (15/16) found our verbal exchanges extremely entertaining. Apaprently he's not used to seeing someone laugh the shit out of his big brother.
I'm terrible like that. It just spouts out because I find it funny. People have been offended, which is not my intention AT ALL, and it's not very feminine (bwahahahahha), but the rest of the world seems to find it funny.
Well, my friends do :D.
Guys tend to find me a bit of a shock at times, because I don't fit into the persona they attribute me, which is also something I find terribly funny. (i was going to say droll but that would come across as pretentious).
So yeah. I'm a pain in the ass.
I know I've scared dudes away like that, and man could I not give a damn :)
I mean, seriously. I don't want to be Cinderella, she's too boring for words. Very Lily White, as F would say.(Percival's loved one, always passive, waiting for him, BORING)(this is a translation from the French Blanche Fleur, I don't know her name in English).
On another note, MC turned up unexpectedly so we celebrated her birthday last night, and the conversation turned to that. She's in a city further up North, near the Alps, and she says that they don't deal in double-entendres half as much as we do. So she comes home, sees us, and it takes a couple hours for her to get back in the swing of things^^
I must admit, I can often be found giggling to myself until someone goes "oh for FUCK'S SAKE" and then laughs too.
I think that I'm not all that different from the rest of the world, only I just can't help laughing and then I have to explain why. I don't mind people knowing I have a warped mind^^
Of course, that too is not feminine and all that, but a lot of the girls I know are just as bad as me, so maybe the attribute never was unfeminine to start off with^^
Another myth!
Then he realised that actually, no : I just soften my acid/bad/burn jokes by being a cuddly Carebear.
I met his two of his stepbrothers this weekend and the older one (15/16) found our verbal exchanges extremely entertaining. Apaprently he's not used to seeing someone laugh the shit out of his big brother.
I'm terrible like that. It just spouts out because I find it funny. People have been offended, which is not my intention AT ALL, and it's not very feminine (bwahahahahha), but the rest of the world seems to find it funny.
Well, my friends do :D.
Guys tend to find me a bit of a shock at times, because I don't fit into the persona they attribute me, which is also something I find terribly funny. (i was going to say droll but that would come across as pretentious).
So yeah. I'm a pain in the ass.
I know I've scared dudes away like that, and man could I not give a damn :)
I mean, seriously. I don't want to be Cinderella, she's too boring for words. Very Lily White, as F would say.(Percival's loved one, always passive, waiting for him, BORING)(this is a translation from the French Blanche Fleur, I don't know her name in English).
On another note, MC turned up unexpectedly so we celebrated her birthday last night, and the conversation turned to that. She's in a city further up North, near the Alps, and she says that they don't deal in double-entendres half as much as we do. So she comes home, sees us, and it takes a couple hours for her to get back in the swing of things^^
I must admit, I can often be found giggling to myself until someone goes "oh for FUCK'S SAKE" and then laughs too.
I think that I'm not all that different from the rest of the world, only I just can't help laughing and then I have to explain why. I don't mind people knowing I have a warped mind^^
Of course, that too is not feminine and all that, but a lot of the girls I know are just as bad as me, so maybe the attribute never was unfeminine to start off with^^
Another myth!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
blablabla
Wish I could think of interesting titles.
I was thinking earlier how much I enjoyed food.
Roommate dearest finished at 8pm this evening, so I was pottering around cooking for when she got back.
I like cooking, I like the smells and the changes and most of all the result^^
I don't bother obsessing over food. It's there to be enjoyed, and man is it enjoyable^^
Roommate dearest and I eat together nearly every night, except when one or the other eats out, or when people come over of course, so pottering in the kitchen together making food is something we do very often, and have fun doing^^
It's just nice, enjoying the smells as they come along, and tasting little by little, and twirling around flipping stuff with a cigarette in my other hand.
(I'm very talented at smoking and doing things at the same time)
I guess I just like to enjoy things in general. I spent an hour in the bathroom this evening, washing my hair, and covering myself in cream, stuff I don't have time to do in the morning but that is sooo enjoyable.
And I don't give a damn if it's antifeminist of me :D
Seriously I've read that women who wanted to look nice were colluders and sluts that worshipped cock.
Some people seriously need to see a shrink about their sexuality hang-ups.
I like feeling good about myself, and that includes agreeing with who I see in the mirror.
I don't see why anyone else should care.
As to worshipping cock...I think that has to be one of the most vile things I've ever heard from a woman^^ No seriously, slut-shaming is, like, sooo new, no-one's ever done it before. Really original.
I like the company of men.
I like sex.
It doesn't make me any different. I'm just as vulgar (which has shocked some), just as forthright, just as annoying.
And strangely enough some men find that attractive. Quite a few, come to think of it.
Men can find the eternal stereotype of a girl annoying too. Me and my bad jokes don't quite fit in to it^^
I was thinking earlier how much I enjoyed food.
Roommate dearest finished at 8pm this evening, so I was pottering around cooking for when she got back.
I like cooking, I like the smells and the changes and most of all the result^^
I don't bother obsessing over food. It's there to be enjoyed, and man is it enjoyable^^
Roommate dearest and I eat together nearly every night, except when one or the other eats out, or when people come over of course, so pottering in the kitchen together making food is something we do very often, and have fun doing^^
It's just nice, enjoying the smells as they come along, and tasting little by little, and twirling around flipping stuff with a cigarette in my other hand.
(I'm very talented at smoking and doing things at the same time)
I guess I just like to enjoy things in general. I spent an hour in the bathroom this evening, washing my hair, and covering myself in cream, stuff I don't have time to do in the morning but that is sooo enjoyable.
And I don't give a damn if it's antifeminist of me :D
Seriously I've read that women who wanted to look nice were colluders and sluts that worshipped cock.
Some people seriously need to see a shrink about their sexuality hang-ups.
I like feeling good about myself, and that includes agreeing with who I see in the mirror.
I don't see why anyone else should care.
As to worshipping cock...I think that has to be one of the most vile things I've ever heard from a woman^^ No seriously, slut-shaming is, like, sooo new, no-one's ever done it before. Really original.
I like the company of men.
I like sex.
It doesn't make me any different. I'm just as vulgar (which has shocked some), just as forthright, just as annoying.
And strangely enough some men find that attractive. Quite a few, come to think of it.
Men can find the eternal stereotype of a girl annoying too. Me and my bad jokes don't quite fit in to it^^
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