Tuesday, May 19, 2009


I can't deal with this.
Saturday night, one of my university friends and his girlfriend were run over by some drunk dude, and now they're dead. I'll be going to his funeral on wedsnesday.
I found out Saturday evening, and I've been a wreck ever since. I can't believe it. I can't accept this.

Sylvain and I weren't the best friends in the world, but I really liked him. We'd met a year and a half ago, the first time the uni was blocked while I was there, in the last months of 2007. We were both active, trying to get our uni back on track and be able to go back to class, and those were good times. He was truly a lovely guy. In all the time I knew him, even when the rest of us were pulling our hair out in rage, he always had a joke and a smile. I actually nearly went out with him, but at that same time i met my exboyfriend, and that was that. I find it hard to get my head around. What would have happened if I'd been his girlfriend?Would I be the one being buried tomorrow? Or would we not have been at that place at that time, would he still be alive now?

He was a history student, and wanted to be a teacher. An intelligent guy, and a handsome one to boot. i truly believe the world is missing out without him here, and now I'm angry. I'm so angry. Of all the people in the world, why did it have to be him? i'm sure everyone thinks that when someone they love dies, but I just...can't. Wednesday I'm going to have to face him dead. his parents, whose pain I cannot even begin to comprehend. All the friends I don't know. And worse of all I'm going to have to face the friends we had in common. I'm going to see Etienne, his best friend at uni. Gael, who invited me to his mega birthday bash just a day before Sylvain died and I know he was supposed to be there too, and Aymeric, and god knows who else. I nearly feel i shouldn't be going, because I wasn't as close to him as they were, but I'm grieving too. Oriane says this is the best homage anyone could have, that even people who weren't that close to you are grieving for you, and she's probably right.

When i first found out, I never realised it would be this hard. I've never had to deal with sudden death like this before. The only person close to me who's died was my grandmother a year and a half ago, right around the time I met Sylvain actually, and I had six months to prepare for her death, although I still miss her. Him...it's so sudden. It's so fucking unfair.

The nights are the hardest.

I wish I could make sense of this somehow, but all that goes through my head is that Sylvain's dead. I'm never going to see him again. I'm never going to see his curly brown hair, never going to see his smile, hear his laugh, hear him teasing me; we're never going to have a coffee break and smoke cigarettes at uni, i'm never going to see him strut around with his raybans and brown leather jacket; never going to run into him at the library doing his research and sitting with me to make fun of my chinese work, to make me talk to him because he's sick of working; never going to go drinking with him again, and take silly pictures; never going to be happy when I see him again, because I always was; he could akways be counted on to make me smile. Never going to hear one of his stupid jokes, never going to hear him make fun of all our anarcho-communists, never going to hear him try and make me come to one of the university parties, never going to hear him say I'm not wearing enough clothes on purpose because i want to flirt, never actually going to flirt with him, never going to argue about the world and hear about his latest history work.Never, ever, ever.

And it hurts so much I can't breathe.

Jesu, if I'd known...well, what. I can't have regrets now. It's too late to wish I'd spent more time with him, and it wouldn't have changed anything. Maybe it'd even hurt more.
This is one of those times where I nearly wish i believed in God, because it's sort of comforting; and then i think that if there is something out there, and that whatever it is planned for this to happen? Well it can fuck the hell off, with all due respect (so=none). i don't really believe in fate and all that; i wish I did, it would make this a lot easier, to believe that it was sylvain's fate to be run over by some drunk dude and die at the age of 21 with his girlfriend.
But I just fucking can't.
I just hope that bastard spends the rest of his life being sorry.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
W.H. Auden

He might not have been my lover, but this...says it all.