Saturday, December 27, 2008

Age of consent

I've been reading debates about the age of consent recently. How young is too young?
The age here is fifteen. Which is the age at which I started.
The average in France is seventeen.

I hear fifteen is too young. Depends for who.
I don't regret it. Was it shameful? Not for me, although I acquired a slightly slutty reputation. Cause yeah, not being a great believer in love and all that when I was a teen, I slept with a friend, who was seventeen and a virgin, one night. Did I want to ?Absolutely. Did he pressure me? No. He'd have been in too much trouble, I had protective friends. If he had, I wouldn't have done it. I'm impossibly contrary.

I didn't subscribe to all the fairytale loving,waiting for true-love-and-prince-charming schools of thought.

Does that make me stupid?

I'd like to think not. Something I've always felt is that those stories are very much used to keep a tight grip on female sexuality, which seems to be something menacing, for some reason.
Oh, I've watched the Disneys and read the Hans christian Andersens, but I didn't want to be a princess. It seemed so goddamn boring.

The only thing I ever did believe in was having sex for your own reasons, for yourself, because you wanted to. Not because everyone else was doing it, not because your boyfriend threatened to leave you if you didn't, not because people called you a prude. Stick to your guns, and you'll feel all the better for it. And don't let anyone tell you how you feel is wrong. But don't tell anyone how they feel is wrong, either.
Really, it's no-one's business.

As to statutory rape laws, they punish anyone having sex with someone under fifteen, and anyone over eighteen having sex with someone under eighteen, even though the age of consent is fifteen.
Although--prosecution, for consensual sex, is just about inexistent, as far as I'm aware.

I think this has a very strong link to control.
I've had many friends going out with older boys/men, depending on the circumstances.
When I was in high school, when you heard about a girl of fifteen going out with a man of thirty, everyone went "eeuw!"
But there's more than just "eeux" behind these relationships. They're downright creepy. It is not normal for a man of thirty to date a fifteen-year-old. What has she got that a woman closer to him in age doesn't?
One of my close friends in high school dated a guy who was eight years older than her from the time she was fourteen to last year, when he wanted them to move in together and have children, and she opposed a very definite NO. So he left.
The Best Friend has been harassed recently by a thirty-year-old she dated for about ten days, when she told him she didn't want to see him anymore because she was tired of his mood swings and his insulting her when he was in a bad mood. He went crazy after that, she had to go see the cops.

It all comes down to control.
You want someone easier to manipulate, who you can convince that things are meant to be this way, that this si how it happens, that this is how sex should be, that in a relationship a woman should be subservient, that she should make all the effort and beg for the few scraps of love he deigns give her?
Take a younger girl.
This kind of shit makes me sick. This is how you get people who're totally confused, and I've known my share.
But oh, the arrogance of them!The self-satisfaction! Of course a fifteen year old is easier to manipulate than a twenty-five year old, however mature she is. She's less likely to have fallen prey to someone like you before.

I met my first and only manipulative boyfriend at sixteen. Never slept with him,and only dated him for two weeks,but he just got off on keeping me running. Thankfully, after a couple months of stupidity, I came back to my senses.
And this is a happy outcome. I know why this happened then, but still, I was silly.

But it all goes with the flow in a male-oriented culture.

You're so angry women your age won't look at you, you go and find a younger girl who can be subservient.
This is why the Best Friend got harassed. That crazy dude expected a twenty-year would just put up with his shit, would give in to him again someday-because she dumped him, but they stayed in touch, and he spent a while pressuring her to come back. Arrogant, entitled jerk.

And this justs goes on, and on, and on.
Control and entitlement.

I could apply this to the Ex. We both knew I was never under his control, thank goodness, but he was entitled to my time. He had to be more important than my studies, which was just not happening. So we broke up.
Funny thing is, he's the sweetest, gentlest person ever.
It's so pervasive..I'd better stop, this is making me sad.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Better but not perfect

Thank God for JJ. He's definitely useful for when I'm having an irrational moment.

I've missed Lulu so much, and she's back, and I get depressed because I don't feel good enough?
Pshaw. How perfectly idiotic.

I've been totally off-radar for the past week, haven't been reading, haven't been writing.
I've discovered some great new posts, and some terrifying news from the last days of the Bush administration, covered by Feministe.

I don't really have much to add on this, except that I find it absolutely fucking amazing. Incredible.
How can you create a law that allows anyone to refuse, BIRTH CONTROL?

I get the morning-after pill if the condom splits from the first pharmacy I see. And when i was still on the pill, it happened that I left the box at my parent's, or forgot my prescription, and I'd just turn up at the pharmacy, tell them, and give them the name of my Pill, end of story.
I'm so happy I live here.

But I just don't understand. How is birth control wrong? It stops abortions, after all. People aren't going to stop having sex just like that. It's not going to bring back some so-called morality.
It seems so logical. No birth control = more unwanted pregnancies.
Please tell me how that is good for anyone.

But the ramifications go so much further. I'm just going on right now, the Feministe post is excellent, but I just can't get my head around it. It's not as if I lived in a society that has no need for feminism. We make less than men, we get raped, men are Don Juans and girls are sluts, men have the better jobs, all that.
But this? Is just unthinkable. Unfuckingthinkable.

Feminist is a dirty word in France as much as in many other countries.
But whatever happens no-one is dreaming of taking away abortion or birthcontrol or allowing doctors to not treat people because of moral reasons. Doctors can be crazy and a fucking pain in the ass, in which case you change. But this kind of shit is just illegal.

I just wonder if I actually live on the same planet as these people.


...And man did I need them.
Exams, etcetera, left me in a pretty exhausted state by the end. Plus I went Christmas shopping with my mother Friday and Saturday, which tends to be a pain in the ass.

So I'm back home. Friday night went out with JJ and his mates, and yesterday went out with Best Friend, Foufoune, Flo and two of their Marseille mates, one of which is sooo sexy :D
I got absolutely hammered on white sangria and it was freezing.
We ended up at Foufoune's, where he and Flo had a moment of revelation "Froufrou, you've slept with more people than we have!" Duh, yeah, so?

Tonight my lovely Lulu got back from Cadiz, and she and Best Friend came over and we gossiped for about three hours.

I feel like such a loser right now.

Lulu was telling all her stories of parties and surfers and English mates and all the foreigners she's met, and how much fun, etcetera.

I feel...boring. Settled down, which is not an aim of mine yet. Yeah, boring.
And it doesn't feel that good.
Yeah, I'm moaning about nothing.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Rain, rain, rain

It's been pouring here.
JJ's house is flooded.
My parent's house has a leak in the roof. It's a mess.

A rainy Sunday, in which I did nothing useful, instead of working, and am feeling kinda down.

Friday, December 12, 2008

I live in a fucking sick world

Linking to the most disturbing ad of the year at feministe.
Better put a trigger warning, since the picture made me sick, and I don't have anything to be triggered by.

Seriously, what fucking world do I live in when this is fucking normal??
I'm so fucking angry it's not even funny.

So I sent a message to Duncan Quinn ( ) detailing how vile I thought they were, and that's all I can do.
I am so fucking thankful that ad won't be plastered all over the place here. I'd never even heard of Duncan Quinn before.

And to the fools who say all publicity is good publicity : WRONG
I know I shall be staying far far away from anything with a Duncan Quinn label for the REST OF MY LIFE.
I have a good memory.

I'm not a violence survivor and I found it painful.
My heart goes out to all those whose memories might be triggered by this.

Fucking hell, I'm incoherent with rage.
I could go on about how anger is only positive for males (I'm "scary") but I'll say my anger is perfectly rational and by god could I explain it for a long time.

I shall go throw up now.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

On Ageing and why I love internet :D

This post in yet another that makes me love internet.

I had to post a comment thanking her for it.(And blathering on a bit, but I can't help it, I'm textually incontinent, it's a terrible syndrome)

I'm young. That's a fact. I don't have to worry about aging just yet, although my cigarette consumption (BAD!BAD!) is supposedly going to kill off all my skin cells in five years, or something.
Problem : I knew girls when I was in high school who already used antiwrinkle cream. That's something that definitely had me stunned. Girl in question was twenty, because she wasn't that good at school and so was three years late, but even so. Twenty? Are you kidding me?

I mean seriously. Youth might be pretty, but it's kinda dumb. Not always, of course, but I'm not reading all these deconstructions of the world around me by people my age.
I'm immensely thankful for all the blogs out there that put words on what I'm feeling, because I can't say it.
I haven't the experience. I haven't been thinking about it all that long. And it's not the kind of thing I discuss casually with someone while having a cigarette in between classes. I talk about it with my roommate, with JJ, with my closer friends.
I already have a reputation for being kinda intense,for taking some things seriously, this just makes it worse :D
And I'll argue forever the fact that being intense was ever negative.

I guess I'm trying to get to the fact that our cultures have to be totally and completely fucked-up for people to put youth as such an ideal.
Youth doesn't know. We're taught things, but haven't always experienced them. Often haven't experienced them.
I'll seem to be putting my peers down, but I'm not. We're not dumb. Well, not always. But in some things, we haven't been fighting for them long enough, haven't actually started fighting yet because we've haven't realised they were necessary, haven't actually opened our eyes to the world around us.

After all, youth is the time for selfishness. Many of my peers have hardly left home yet. Many don't live adult lives. I don't yet. My parents pay my bills, although I've left home. I couldn't get an education here otherwise, and would be left learning in the second-grade university at home, with all the losers I grew up with.

On the ageing part-I don't want to be afraid of getting old. I guess I'll see when I come to it. Time goes far too fast in any case, I'm turning twenty in a couple months.
But I'm not scared yet. I have good role models around me.

My mother turned fifty this year, and despite her self-proclaimed fat (my mother has spent her life since I turned up dieting and putting on weight. I find it infinitely depressing. Luckily she's reasonable about it and doesn't go nuts, which has helped me have a semi reasonable stance with food-basically I just eat what I want and to hell with it), she's an attractive woman, who does so fucking much, it's just not funny. I'd like to see someone tell her life at fifty is over. The woman does more than I do, puts me to shame.
My godmother is the same age. Put them together and I'm the one who feels old :)
My best friend's mother is forty. She's an incredibly attractive woman, like every woman in that family,that includes the Best Friend, who's twenty, her mother's two sisters, and her grandmother, who's fifty-eight and amazing.

They're all active, fun women who happen to be attractive. And that shouldn't be the most important thing a woman should retain as time passes.
What's the point in beauty if you can think behind it? If it's just an empty shell?
I guess that's all too easy for me to say. After all, I get to be young, slim, and conventionally attractive.

I'm not special. I'm not different. I just want to able to grow up in peace, and that's not likely to happen.

Funnily enough, I don't feel that pressured by magazine girls. And me and Roommate dearest have a good laugh every month with Glamour and Cosmo who are the root of all evil from what I've understood, but I think the French versions are slightly different, and they're the best thing to empty your head, and why on earth am I justifying myself?Tsch.

I'd feel more pressured by the girls around me.
I live in a upper-class town. half is money, half is students. Expensive. Quality. Lots of southern bourgeoisie.
I'm in a Humanities university. That means the ratio of girls is about sixty/seventy percent.
My classes are full of girls. So competition is high, which is why two strangers call me "that kinda intellectual, stuck up bitch who thinks she's all that", I suppose.
And France is a VERY fattist country. Remember that book "French women don't get fat" ? French women aren't supposed to get fat. It's unfeminine.
Also, the food helps, but that's a whole different story.

Back to the story, since I rather look towards the girls and women around me, it's incredibly reassuring for when I get older. I don't feel that I'll be worthless at thirty.
My teachers are all over thirty. Ms L, one of my chinese teachers, was at least sixty, and she was amazing. Every one of her students loved her.
I watch TV. I follow mainstream media. I read blogs. I read magazines. I'm that common. And I'm cursed with an amazing memory for all things pointless, so I remember stupid details about celebrities.
But I don't feel pressured to fit in to their world. Also because it's perfectly impossible, but primarily because they're too far-off.
We have very beautiful celebrities of our own, who occasionnally turn up here because it's one of the main Southern towns, but they're a lot more real, and they're freaks of nature :)

Look at Catherine Deneuve. She's said to have been under the knife a lot. She still looks pretty natural, pretty good for a woman in her seventies.(I think she's 71, but I'm not certain)
Brigitte Bardot was insanely beautiful, and gave up on all that to fight for animal rights (and become a right-wing nut, but that 's a whole different story). She maybe didn't "age gracefully". Point of the story? She doesn't give a fuck, she's far too busy elsewhere.And she did so much during her acting career!
Line Renaud turned eighty this year and most of French TV celebrated her birthday.

Come to think of it most popular French actresses are forty or more.
Emmanuelle Béart,Isabelle Adjani, Isabelle Huppert, Fanny Ardant, Nathalie Baye, Emmanuelle Seigner, Juliette Binoche, Catherine Frot, Jeanne Moreau.

Some of them are notoriously insane. Not all are amazingly beautiful. But they all seem comfortable in their own skin, even though I suspect Emmanuelle Béart of having had her lips plumped up^^

Shite, this is far too long.

Trouble ahoy

...Smells like more demonstrations.
We heard the high-schoolers chanting outside uni yesterday morning. Protesting against the changes they're trying to make in highschool and their getting rid of approximatively 13000 teachers( numbers probably incorrect because they keep changing).
I don't know much about this reform. All I know is that less teachers is less help for students, which is bad. As for the changes made to high school, I've heard that instead of trimesters the year will function in semesters like at university, and the core knowledges will change, apparently history might not be compulsory or something.

France has one of the most demanding high-school systems in the world; I had between thirty and thirty-five hours of class per week throughout my three years.

It's divided in three main sections : S (science) ES (economics) and L (litterature). Next to that there are sections that deal more with management or electronics, but they're rather overlooked. You want to get anywhere in France? Get a Bac S.
Bac in Baccalauréat, the end of high school exam. Can't do anything without it, really.

So classes in your last year of high school :
In ES (this was my section, so I know it best): Economics, History, Geography, Language number 1, Language number 2, Maths, Philosophy, Sports, and an option (extra maths, extra english, or extra economics)
In S :Maths, Physics, Chemistry, Biology, History, Geography, Languages 1 and 2(2 not being compulsory if I remember right), Philosophy, Sports
In L: Litterature, Philosophy, History, Geography, Sports, Languages 1, 2, and often 3 (and Art could be an extra, if I remember right)

So in common we all had History, Geography, Sports, Philosophy, and Languages. Which is already pretty good.

Plus, in your first year of high school you all do the same except for one option which will determine which section you choose the next year : ISI (initiation aux sciences de l'ingénieur-for the math types, they fiddle around with machines from what I understand) Economics, or a third language.
So at the time we all had biology and physics and math and French.
In your second year you get to choose your section and things change ever so slightly; I got to give up Physics, to my greatest joy.
Everyone gets a French exam that year, those of us in the ES section also have a biology exam, and the Ls get French, biology, and math. Which is why they don't have those subjects anymore afterwards.

It's a complicated system, especially when you're not French, I remember how complicated my mother found it, but it seems to sort itself out pretty much for most of us.
Any meaningful changes to the system make us all very insecure.
The baccalauréat is a venerable institution, one we're used to and comfortable with. Every year it's the same shenanigans.
A month or two before, the news starts talking about it, about the latest revision methods, private courses, how much kids are working, how many parents are paying for private tuition. And after we get the age of the youngest bachelier(=person who obtains the Bac) of France (every year there's some kid of thirteen or fourteen who gets it when usually you get it the year you turn eighteen. I'm already an anomaly because I got it at seventeen. I always feel sorry for them), the person with the best grades, the percentage who got it, all that.

It's habit.

Every year we're told that the level has gone down. My history teacher used to tell us that we were asked harder things than he and his peers ever were, but thatour exams were graded accordingly : that is, they went easy on us.
An experiment was done a few months ago, when the same exam copies were given to something like fifteen different teachers, and the grades of each copy went from 5 to 15 out of 20.
It's kinda subjective^^
But real failures are few. In 2008 I think 83% of kids got it.

We're asked to know a lot, about a lot of things. There's a verb "bachoter" which has come to mean cramming for exams, which comes from the word Baccalauréat. Cramming for the Bac.
But that's the way things are.
Now I can appreciate being made to learn all that because it gave me a solid background knowledge. Even though I was crap at math then and I'm crap at math now.
It taught me to logic, and to argue my way through things, especially in philosophy; in essence you could write what the hell you wanted as long as it was logical.
Not saying that I was very good at it, but it does help :)

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Slightly annoyed a couple of girls I can't place who told a mate of mine "oh yeah, she's that kinda intellectual, stuck up bitch who thinks she's all that"

Oooohhh, nice.

Tried to figure out who it was. I got a succinct description, and I still have no idea.
Puzzled. Why on earth would someone go out of their way to belittle me to a friend of mine?

Said friend is male and got into one of France's big schools, Sciences Po, this year. To impress him?
Still bizarre, and a bad move, since he kicked their butts.

I just don't get it.

How does it make you feel better? I mean, I hope it does, because otherwise it's even more pointless. It makes me so confused.
Telling someone who is certainly going to tell me? Are you aiming to hurt me?
Thank god I'm not that insecure.
But if this was the point, I'm sorry for you. Seriously. I'm happy I'm not in that place.

I guess I could find out who you are, and with little effort build your reputations as bitchy insecure fools, but that would be a waste of time and effort, however small.

Utterly and totally puzzled.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Dum dee dum

new blog discovery: the F word.
It's the first time I encounter a british blog that deals with feminism, and it's a pleasant surprise.

I must admit to a somewhat stereotypical image of Britain in this respect, because I seem to get only negative echoes.
I don't see how going out and getting drunk, going out half undressed, aspiring to be a WAG or an X factor contestant is in any way feminist or empowering.
And of course there is the small matter of the ever-dwindling rape conviction rate, which makes me want to cry, but that's a whole different story.

I try not to give in to stereotyping, but I get so much of the French-bashing from Brits that it doesn't make me want to cut my homeland any slack.

But if you wish to know, the French think that the British women are sluts just as any French girl gets called a slut in Britain. And that's all I'll say for now, because i'm in a bad mood.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

I'm a pain in the ass (and I have a one-track mind)

JJ was commenting on how much sweeter I am as a girlfriend than as a friend.

Then he realised that actually, no : I just soften my acid/bad/burn jokes by being a cuddly Carebear.

I met his two of his stepbrothers this weekend and the older one (15/16) found our verbal exchanges extremely entertaining. Apaprently he's not used to seeing someone laugh the shit out of his big brother.

I'm terrible like that. It just spouts out because I find it funny. People have been offended, which is not my intention AT ALL, and it's not very feminine (bwahahahahha), but the rest of the world seems to find it funny.

Well, my friends do :D.
Guys tend to find me a bit of a shock at times, because I don't fit into the persona they attribute me, which is also something I find terribly funny. (i was going to say droll but that would come across as pretentious).
So yeah. I'm a pain in the ass.

I know I've scared dudes away like that, and man could I not give a damn :)
I mean, seriously. I don't want to be Cinderella, she's too boring for words. Very Lily White, as F would say.(Percival's loved one, always passive, waiting for him, BORING)(this is a translation from the French Blanche Fleur, I don't know her name in English).

On another note, MC turned up unexpectedly so we celebrated her birthday last night, and the conversation turned to that. She's in a city further up North, near the Alps, and she says that they don't deal in double-entendres half as much as we do. So she comes home, sees us, and it takes a couple hours for her to get back in the swing of things^^

I must admit, I can often be found giggling to myself until someone goes "oh for FUCK'S SAKE" and then laughs too.
I think that I'm not all that different from the rest of the world, only I just can't help laughing and then I have to explain why. I don't mind people knowing I have a warped mind^^
Of course, that too is not feminine and all that, but a lot of the girls I know are just as bad as me, so maybe the attribute never was unfeminine to start off with^^

Another myth!

Thursday, December 4, 2008


Wish I could think of interesting titles.

I was thinking earlier how much I enjoyed food.
Roommate dearest finished at 8pm this evening, so I was pottering around cooking for when she got back.
I like cooking, I like the smells and the changes and most of all the result^^
I don't bother obsessing over food. It's there to be enjoyed, and man is it enjoyable^^
Roommate dearest and I eat together nearly every night, except when one or the other eats out, or when people come over of course, so pottering in the kitchen together making food is something we do very often, and have fun doing^^
It's just nice, enjoying the smells as they come along, and tasting little by little, and twirling around flipping stuff with a cigarette in my other hand.
(I'm very talented at smoking and doing things at the same time)

I guess I just like to enjoy things in general. I spent an hour in the bathroom this evening, washing my hair, and covering myself in cream, stuff I don't have time to do in the morning but that is sooo enjoyable.
And I don't give a damn if it's antifeminist of me :D

Seriously I've read that women who wanted to look nice were colluders and sluts that worshipped cock.
Some people seriously need to see a shrink about their sexuality hang-ups.

I like feeling good about myself, and that includes agreeing with who I see in the mirror.
I don't see why anyone else should care.

As to worshipping cock...I think that has to be one of the most vile things I've ever heard from a woman^^ No seriously, slut-shaming is, like, sooo new, no-one's ever done it before. Really original.
I like the company of men.
I like sex.
It doesn't make me any different. I'm just as vulgar (which has shocked some), just as forthright, just as annoying.
And strangely enough some men find that attractive. Quite a few, come to think of it.

Men can find the eternal stereotype of a girl annoying too. Me and my bad jokes don't quite fit in to it^^

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Other pointless things to say

The first years have obviously decided that all us chinese students were nutters because when we were waiting for Ms F to turn up for chinese lab, Lola had african/latino music blaring on her phone and was dancing around the corridor, it was sooo funny, and F was singing along to japanese songs on her mp3.
I think I nearly killed myself laughing at their faces.
Other highlights of the day: JJ came around after we had a resounding argument last night, in which he compared me to his guitar and I blew a fuse.
If anyone is interested, I might have to explain this a bit better because JJ is in no way a dick.

He's a musician (this year at least, he graduated from the same course as I'm doing but last year, and in English-Japanese) and yesterday he finally got the seven string guitar he ordered, so he was a happy wee bunny.
I sent a teasing message saying that he'd better not forget me for his guitar, he teasingly answered that there were things I could do better, I asked what, and that's when it all went awry.
Because to annoy me he pretended not to be able to think of one (I know, we're kids but it's fun) and I pretended to sulk, so he asked what he could do to redeem himself, and I suggested giving me more value than to his guitar (does this sentence make sense in English?I'm tired)

That was the point where I blew a fuse.
Because he said he couldn't, he could only give me a different value.
JJ is a bit strange at times. His elder brother OD'd a couple months ago, and he hasn't really faced it yet, and he knows it. So as soon as he got it, he gave his guitar his brother's name, and it immediately took on a different value to him.
He loved his brother.So much. He doesn't talk about him that much, or tries not to maybe, but there's something of the hero worship about their relationship, and a refusal to believe that his brother could have left him.
And the fact that the last time he talked to his brother, it was angry words, saying that he was sick of his nonsense and it was time for him to get clean.

As I'm writing this, I'm so happy I don't have any readers. I'm thinking that if JJ ever saw this he'd know it was him, and I'm wondering if I can really write this. If it isn't somehow...wrong?

But JJ's brother is such a part of him. It's something I always found incredibly touching about him, how connected he was to his brother, even in death.

Back to the story. I got mad, and had to explain how humiliating I found it to be compared to a guitar, however important the guitar might be.
After all, women as objects are shown daily. I definitely didn't need it shoved into my face anymore than it was.

Well, he apologised, and said it had come out badly, and that of course I was more important than a guitar, which wasn't exactly what I was looking for. So he apologised again.
I think he didn't quite get where the anger came from. He's not used to that side of me.
Well, now he knows, and since he didn't run away screaming feminist, I think things will be fine. I know he didn't mean it. But he doesn't quite get the privilege ey, although I've been pointing out to him pretty regularly^^
Poor guy, he doesn't know what he's let himself in for.

Class debate

In chinese conversation today, we had the choice between two subjects to talk about : romantic gestures/places/whatevers, and homosexual marriage.

Our teacher is a lovely chinese woman who likes to find out what we all think and so tends to give us interesting subjects. She wants to find out about our culture, our opinions, while we get better. It's her first year teaching here, and she's excellent.

Class is mainly girls, and has a few foreigners with weird backgrounds dotted in; me, Victor who is chilean-french, landed in France four or five years ago and spent a year in China last year, and Paul who is german, and has lived here,in Germany, China, Romania, and England(i'm not sure about the england part)(he's older than most of us, thank god, I'm starting to feel inadequate :P) and of course my lovely F who is half-tunisian and always has a lot to say about women's rights and Islam.

Point number one : it was a lot easier talking about than I thought, especially once I'd learnt the words for homosexual and heterosexual.
Point number two : we ALL spoke about homosexual marriage, which puzzled the teacher since she thinks France is supposed to be a very romantic place; the rest of us told her romance as it's usually considered is too boring and commonplace. It doesn't feel special. But I digress.
Point number three : everyone argued in favour of it.

It's suuucccchhh a damn no-brainer sometimes :D
(most said thing : if we can, when we don't care about it, why can't they, when they obviously want to? Of course all this was developed a lot, but I can't be bothered to lay out my and their reasons for supporting gay marriage)

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Aids a day late and contraception stories

So yesterday was AIDS day.

I belong to a generation who grew up with AIDS. Safe sex has been rammed into my head since I was about ten. (Anti smoking stuff started earlier but I can't say I followed that :D)

Well, it worked. I've never had unsafe sex. No condom is a no-go, even during the periods I'm on the Pill (I stopped it four months ago because I was tired of it-yes I was still with the Ex at that time and no he did not get a say in it.), except when we've both gone and been tested.
I don't make compromises with my health, or with someone else's for that matter. After all, I'm a slut! (irony inserted).
Truth be told, sex without a condom has only been suggested once, i think. Maybe twice. So the guys aren't too bad about it :D

I hear a lot these days about the younger generation being the most careless about that, and it drives me crazy. I don't understand how we can be less careful. After all, it's not as if anyone had found a vaccine or a cure(I shall celebrate that day).
My mother once told me she'd been lucky to grow up without this fear, although she didn't really. She had a few years, but she was still pretty young when it was made "official".(I wasn't around in any case).

We're lucky here, I really do think.

We're taught about reproduction early. This tends to include how one can fall pregnant, and no, not by giving blowjobs.

You can get contraception and a visit to the gynaecologist for free at the Planning Familial (I guess that might be something like Planned Parenthood?) as well as help to secure an abortion or simply a visit with a counselor. Especially if you don't want your parents knowing about your sex life.
Otherwise you can simply go and get it reimbursed by social security. Most contraception methods are reimbursed, except for the patch if I remember rightly, and how much you're reimbursed depends on the pill you use. In high school I used one that was 10 euros a month (that's REALLY expensive, but I was in high school, what did I care) and last year I was taking one that cost 1,30 euros for three months.
My roommate has one of those blue implant thingies but her dad's a european civil servant so she's under european social protection, it's not quite the same.
You can get the morning after pill free if you have a doctor's presciption, and it costs 7/8 euros over the counter.

Condoms of course are a lot more expensive, and not paid for, unfortunately^^But there are condom machines all over the place, and they give them out a lot. They gave them out in my high school every AIDS day, during the concerts and shows that were organised, they give them ou at concerts, as samples...Best Friend used to have a collection of them^^We'd get really funky ones with the name of the band we'd just been to see on them, that's always funny.

We had sex ed in middle school (~~12,13 years old if I remember right), and some doctor came to talk to us about AIDS, and I still have the poster I stole(actually, they were all stolen becaus ethey were so damn funky that year) from high school for AIDS prevention. It's bright pink and has "oui, oui, oui, ouiiiiiii" a zillion times on it and the "o"s of the "oui"s (that's yes, but I assume you know that) are made with condoms still in their packages, you know when you can see the circle? It's hanging in my kitchen, I should go take a photo.

They've a lot of special ads on at the moment, but they're on pretty often really. Nearly part of the background.

Although apparently there are less people in France contaminated this year. Which is some good news.
And our First Lady's brother died of Aids, so she has an interest in the problem.

I really do ramble.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

harassment thread

I know, I spend my time reading old blog posts and threads but I need to educate myself :)
although this isn't really an education.
It's life, and it makes me so fucking angry.
I want to cry.
Talking to JJ on msn and he wondered why I'd gone so quiet, so I directed him to the thread. Now I'm waiting to see what he'll say, although I have faith-he's no idiot :)

I'm safe enough. I live in a safe town. Mine is a place where I can walk back home at two in the morning and nothing has ever happened to me **touches wood**.
I hate feeling like public property because I'm a girl.
Although I'm not sure it's quite the same in France as in the Uk or the US. I was fifteen when I went to the US, so I didn't really notice, and in the UK I've always been out in groups, so I don't know.

But I'm still worried about going home alone. I walk around with pepper sray ever since I ran into trouble at university last year. Before an ex got it for me because he was worried about the nasty turn things between the people blocking uni and those against it (ie, me for example) were taking, I carried one of my brother's knives around.
I always wear headphones so I can ignore the guys calling me out. If I do hear them I tend to have insults spout out before I can stop them. Last time in Marseille I told them to fuck off and die. When i was sixteen some arab dude in the street stopped in front of me, leered and said "hey, let's go to a hotel", as if it was something normal. Told him to go fuck himself.
I fucking hate having to be careful.
I give out very strong leave me alone vibes, which tend to scare people off. In first year, I never got chatted up in the bus, when my roommates did. Around the end of the year though, some random guy in my neighbourhood stopped me in the street and insisted on talking. He was nice enough, but he was creeping me out, he was too old, saying how he'd been seeing me around for a couple months, blabla, could I give him my number. Said no. Tried to make me take his. Said there was no point, that I wasn't going to call him, and shot off.
I hate feeling I owe these cray dudes something, when I don't. I hate being afraid of offending them, that they might take it out on me, and I won't police my behaviour for them. When I really can't do it, I give a fake number so that they leave me the hell alone.

**update**JJ is shocked.

I just get so tired sometimes, and I'm in a safe place. Why should I have to hide beind my sunglasses and headphones?
Why do men feel entitled to shouting their opinion at me, and what, think it's flattering?

I know men can't comprehend it at a female level because they're not going to experience it, but Christ, is it that hard to grasp?
I just want to scream.
I'll feel better in the morning.


Privilege is a concept that occurred to me only recently. I mean, I knew I was lucky, but I'd never actually defined it this way.
But as time goes on, I see how privileged i actually am, and I find it crazy.

I'm white.
I'm young.
I'm slim.
I'm conventionally attractive.
I'm straight
I'm smart enough.
I'm middle-class.
I'm from what they call a traditional nuclear family.
I live in a country that pays for my education and health care.
I'm confident enough.

I'm comfortable enough in my own skin not to feel threatened by what is different from me. And I think that's the mother of all privileges, although many probably won't agree with me.
I was brought up to be tolerant and not dismiss what I don't understand.
I lived in a safe environment, where I wasn't belittled overmuch for being a girl, although it has happened, of course; where the gay people I knew weren't attacked, and where the probability of my being mugged was fairly small. Case is, I've been harassed but never attacked, and here's hoping it stays that way.

Racism though was rampant because in the south of France there are large muslim/arab communities-well this actually goes for the whole of France but we're near the sea and Morocco and Algeria are very near. It's hard to be Arab or Black in France.

It's funny how where I lived it was rarer to meet homophobic people than racist people, especially in my generation. After all, we don't listen to only-white music or watch only-white movies.
I could try and explain it. I could try and justify it, but it's just wrong.
I could tell you that whenever I've been harassed by unknown men in the street in my short life, they've all been Arab, strangely enough. I could tell you about how this experience is common to most of my friends. Not three months ago, two friends got beaten up by five arab dudes.
I could tell you how we've all come to associate violence with Arab youths-and older men, for that matter.

And it's just terrible.

These kids have been discriminated against for years, of course they're angry, and all this leads to violence and the 2005 riots.

But that's not what you think of when you've just walked past a group of them who whistled at you and called you a fucking French whore because you didn't respond.

I can try and understand the anger. They're screwed over. You're soooo less likely to get through school, to find a job, to be able to rent a flat if you're Arab or Black, it's insane.
If you're young, it's no point even thinking about it.
That's why people like Rachida dati are set up as an example. She was the daughter of illiterate immigrants, she managed, being a girl, she got out of an arranged marriage, she managed.

But these kids, they mainly have footballers, rappers and singers to look up to, and that isn't much.
So I'm angry at how screwed up they got, so that they got so angry, so that I have to take care to avoid looking at them so as not to get "who you looking at, you French ho, what you want?".
I'm angry at the system that taught them it was no point fighting back.
I'm angry that I don't know what I could do.

Roommate dearest has some voluntary work to do to get her degree. She's going to tutor a kid from one of the less favoured sides of town, which is great. Seriously the Law uni is so much better than ours, it's crazy^^

Sexuality musings

This post made me think a lot, especially the part about male sexuality.
Male homophobia stemming from their insecurity. Which is, actually, obvious, but needs to be spelled out more often.

I'm actually surprised at how unfamiliar this can be. Maybe I just didn't mix with the very macho guys, although I frequented a lot of rugby players during my high school years-talk about homoeroticism :D.

But I have so many friends and guys I've dated who have kissed other dudes, sometimes while drunk, sometimes not, who questioned their sexuality to come to the conclusion that they were straight, without worrying more than that.
JJ for one wrote a song about his best mate's body that's inherently sexual. Which doesn't stop him from dating me :). My ex sometimes kisses his best mates when drunk. It doesn't mean anything to them, maybe just an over the top expression of their friendship :)

When I was in my senior year of high school, we had this class called civic education. It was a load of bollocks and our economics teacher cut it every three weeks so she could make us sit out a four hour exam.(french school can be very demanding^^).
But basically she made us all do small presentations of about half an hour, with another half hour of discussion. It usually made for lively arguments, including my accusing my class of being French chauvinist idiots when we discussed Europe ^^.
But I digress. The Best Friend had homosexual adoption as a subject.

See, in France it's a bit strange. You can adopt as a single parent, which is what most gay couples do, because you can't adopt as a couple in a civil union, if I remember right (PACS), although the European Human Rights Court has stated that refusing adoption on the basis of sexuality is illegal, it's all a bit complicated. Anyway, this was in 2005/2006, back to the story.

Best Friend hauled me in to go around and question the school pupils on what they thought of adoption by homosexuals.
A resounding number didn't give a damn. A few worried about the effect on the kids. And then of course there were the radically opposed, but i don't remember many, I only remember a group of five or six guys saying "well look at my buddy here. He can/could be gay, I don't care. I still don't think it's right if he adopts, I mean the poor kid would be singled out like, forever, it's not normal."
I don't remember actively arguing with anyone, just pointing out that homosexual couples already had children anyway, and that not being able to adopt just made things a lot more difficult for them, because surrogate mothers are banned in France, it's considered selling your body, which is banned, like for organs, blood, and sex of course!

But all those who were against it were guys. Funny, isn't it.

There were quite a few loud and proud gays in my school, boys or girls. The loudest of them, Flo did get quite a bit of flack from the rugby players, which led to a hell of a lot of arguments, mainly my screaming in the middle of class for them to STFU! He was-and is-my friend. He was everyone's friend really, he was a popular guy.
The other one who really struck me was Erica, but that's because she scared the shit out of me^^ She was very strong, did a lot of boxing, and was certifiably insane. And she got angry very fast.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Saturday scrolling

I wish I wrote down ideas for posts when I get them, because then life gets in the way, and I forget.

This has not been a good week. Those bombings in Mumbai...still not clear, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
Two Frenchies were killed, apparently the founder of Princesse Tam Tam, an underwear brand and her husband (I haven't checked this, read it in the paper).

The Socialist's warfare seems to have abated for a while, they elected Martine Aubry, and now I'm waiting for the next self-implosion. The state of the left in this country is pathetic. They just fight for power all the time, and none of them seem to realise the consequences. I mean, I'm nineteen and I could tell them that they're just making themselves ridiculous and completely discrediting whatever they could do.

One thing I've been thinking about is power in France. We're often told there aren't enough female politicians in powerful places, but A) I'm not sure that's true, I don't have the statistics, and we do have a lot of female names cropping up every day in the news, the most common at the moment being Segolène Royal and Martine Aubry, and B) I don't think that's the point. No-one in France could do an Obama, ever : what, eight years of politics, and becoming president?
No fucking way.
Sarkozy presented himself as a reformer when he turned up : what a lot of foreigners don't realise is that he's been in politics for thirty years.
A job in politics here is all about the game. We're so very stuck in Machiavel. Many politicians, most politicians tend to use their power for themselves a lot.
Which I think is why they don't want more rivals. Things could change a lot if more female politicians, powerful ones, spoke out for the cause of women in general, had female protégées, thought about sharing even a bit-but it doesn't work like that here.

Sarkozy has female protégées, more than male ones come to think of it, such as Rachida Dati and Rama Yade. Has he furthered their careers? Hell yeah. No-one had actually heard of them before he gave them their jobs.
Not that it protected them.
I have little respect for Rachida Dati. She has no idea of what compromise is, and seems to prefer showing off in tabloids than actually working. But as she whines a lot, she's the daughter of two illiterate Algerian immigrants who became a lawyer by herself. That commands my respect, whatever happens.
Rama Yade is the daughter of an African diplomat. She seems intelligent, but her job doesn't allow her to show it at all. She's a political prop more than anything else, unfortunately. I'd like to see what she's capable of, and I'd love to see her prove the naysayers wrong.

But she's put herself in the power of a very dominant man, and sarkozy is not going to let anyone steal his thunder, not that a state secretary could, but he will do anything to keep the useful people and get rid of the deadweights. Rama is still useful; she does what he says, she doesn't create scandals or controversies, and she looks good as a young black woman in his government.

She isn't a Segolene Royal, who for all her craziness these days has been a very strong woman through her life; she got away from the dominating influence of her military father in her late teens, and became the first female candidate to the presidency to get to the second round.
Here's the thing. I don't like Segolene Royal, she acts strangely and goes with the flow, uttering a few crazy things along the way for shock value.
But she earned what she got, and she fought all the way, all the way to the primaries for the Socialist candidate for the presidency in 2007, when some of the left candidates asked "but who will take care of the children?" disparagingly.


Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Keyboards for girls

Why does this strike me as sexist, and am I overreacting?
A lovely pink keyboard, with musical notes instead of numbers, "XXL letters" for caps, and a whole lot of other "easy" functions, like special keys for "OMG".

I find this extremely annoying. And the first comment on the page is already moaning about how SOMEONE is going to complain about this.

I mean, duh, it's so hard to use a normal keyboard when you're just a silleeee girleeeee. After all, all a girl uses a computer for is to chat, isn't it?Msn and the like. Ooooh,and to look up things about popstars.
Musical notes instead of numbers? I mean, seriously?

This is the kind of thing that really annoys me. GIRLS ARE DUMB,YOOHOO!We need pink and things made easy!
Just fuck off already.

Just great

Holy shit T.I. and Rihanna have sampled Ozone.

I think I just did mysef an injury laughing.

(Ozone are some eastern Europe band who had a hit years ago with a song that ges "Numa Numa yeah. Unintentionally hilarious.)

Refusal to comply

I don't have to fit in anyone's mold of what a woman should be.

So yeah, I swear a lot, make a lot of bad jokes, have a one-track mind, am a year younger than all my classmates, describe myself as feminist, enjoy the company of men and women alike, am fairly shameless, can't help laughing when people use pop-psychology on me, am cynical, don't believe in a hypothetical Prince Charming, don't WANT a Prince Charming because he'd be the most boring person on earth, lose my temper a lot, dislike getting overly emotional, think too much, try to get to the bottom of things, am called indifferent, cold, intimidating, refuse to let myself be used as a doormat, tend to take things with a shrug, move on fast-does all this make me anything less of a woman?

I don't think so. I don't feel so. But I'm told a girl shouldn't act like that.
I should be heartbroken at the end of my relationship.
Well I'm not.
I should only have sex with someone I love.
Well I won't.
I should keep my mouth shut and listen to people airing their inane opinions in silence.
I will not.
I should wear dresses all the time and look pretty at all times.
I'll dress for me. I wear my make-up for myself, and too bad if you deem it outrageous, or over the top for daytime, or too subdued for a party. I choose.
I shouldn't go out at night, shouldn't drink, shouldn't party, shouldn't have fun because who knows what may happen to me!
I'll take the risk.

I am original sin and life-giver at the same time, I tempt and wrong and create evil.
Once more : NO.

Seriously, no. All this is just plain wrong.

We're all stereotyped. I was given dolls, my brother was given cars. We were jointly given electric trains and a car track. We played farms together, played with my barbies and his Action Men, played Lego and built treehouses, played Pokemon when it first came out, I used to play ball or tag at recess, I refused to wear a skirt after the age of 5, refused point blank to wear anything I hadn't chosen for that matter, which drove my poor mother crazy, and spent my life the nose in a book from the moment I learned how to read at four, stealing the books my mother banned me from reading because I was too young for them (she might've been right about that-reading a biography of Henri 4 of France at 9 isn't quite normal, apparently).

But where's the fun in staying in the place you're given?I wanted those dolls. My family wouldn't have cared if I wanted cars, I always wanted books more than anything anyway. I still do. I love books.
So I was hard to define. Still am, I suppose. I don't dress in any particular way than what i find pretty. So what? Bookworm?yes. Feminine?yes. Strong-willed?yes. Nerdy?yes. A royal pain in the ass?Most definitely.
I just hate being put in a box. I'm this, so I should do that, or think that-no.

God, I'm totally out on medication so I'd better shut up now :D

Links ahoy

Well I'm sick today, so pottering around on the internet, as usual.

Linking to some wonderful posts that make me insanely angry and leave me wondering what the hell I could do.
I had F discover this post yesterday and I might have turned her into a Shakesville devotee :) as I became recently.
Because I've found people who can actually express my feelings, call me out on my privilege without even knowing I exist, and generally just give me some kind of hope. Teaspoon by teaspoon ;).
(Posts all about rape. Yeah, that's life.)

I've never been raped. Lucky?yes. Should I have to feel lucky? HELL NO.
It's always a risk for a woman, and everyone considers that NORMAL.
It makes me so fucking angry, this culture of entitlement that exists. I've lost count of the number of times a guy has tried to kiss me if not worse when I was in a not-so-sober state. It hasn't happened in a while though. After all, I'm intimidating :D
Although I also got this kind of rep when at a friend's eighteenth, when I was sixteen, a "friend" tried to grope me and I punched him in the eye. he never spoke to me again :).

I can't stop men considering my body to be public property, although I do my best to discourage it.
What i don't get is how a woman can still be considered as "other", as not quite human. Simone de Beauvoir had a lot to say on this sixty years ago; has nothing changed since?Nothing?

I feel like I live in a culture that encourages girls to consider themselves as meat. And there's something I'll never do. I have more brains than a lot of men I know, and there's no way I'm hiding that to pander to their pathetic little egos.

I'm sort of seeing JJ at the moment, and there's definitely no limit to his brains. Counterintuitively sexy, as read on Jezebel some time back. What's inside is sexier than what's outside. Now he's not the most confident of men, but he definitely doesn't make me feel like I should change to help his ego, quite the opposite.
When we first met, over a year ago, he didn't take to me much because he found me overconfident and pretentious (I say, I was being drunkface when I turned up that day, so it's not my fault :D)and because I'd been invited along by a friend of mine, Viet, who is famously aggressive, abrasive, and can be perfectly revolting speechwise, which I find hilarious but a lot of people do not- which didn't do much for my reputation in his eyes.
But he found out I actually had a brain, and that's what he finds interesting, strangely enough.
It's so nice to have intelligent conversation, instead of getting bored listening to my ex's friends air their one-dimensional opinions on the world.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Songs of Freedom

I had a new wonderful friend from uni, F, over today, after class, and we smoked and pretended to work and chattered away and shared our music tastes and talked and talked and talked.
F is of Tunisian origin, and we share a lot of discussions about origins and family and feminism, and people have the same complaints about us : confidence, indifference, not needing a man to choose our way :)

So we found out that we had the same musical obsessions with old music and C-Pop (chinese music) and weird J-pop and all the stuff the people such as my ex's circle of friends look down upon because it's too "easy" too "mainstream", and the like.
Now music is a very personal subject, and as numerous teenagers the world over I sort of hid in it. Music is what lifts you up. And I've always had very eclectic tastes :)
So where's all this going? Well I think music has an influence on you.
I grew up listening to rockers and not feeling excluded. Listening to women saying that being a girl was fun and you could be strong and there was nothing to be ashamed of.
That there was something inherently inferior in being a girl.
They were girls who'd kick your ass if you suggested such a thing.

So did that help? Hell yeah. Well, I think so. When I was around eight, at the yearly school fetes, they always played Shania Twain's "Man, I feel like a woman". I was used to hearing her sing about how FUN it could be.
"I wanna be free, yeah, to feel the way I feel"
Possibly not the most feminist track on earth, for sure. I haven't actually analysed it, and I'm not going to, just in case I ruin my memories!
But I was told in the song that I could do whatever the hell I liked, girl or no girl.

I haven't listened to that in a while. But I've always had a fondness for girls singing about things I could actually muster an interest for.
Not so much the stereotyped pop/rnb girls usually singing about how their boyfriend left them or how much they love him.
I like the girls saying that it might hurt but it's not the end of the world. Because that's how I see things too.
I liked them telling me that it didn't matter. That I could do whatever I wanted. That however hard, I could get over things.
It's always a relief to find a kindred spirit.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Beaujolais nouveau :)

So i took off, to come back home for a break after spectacularly failing my chinese exams.

Today I spent the day with JJ providing moral support for his trying to persuade local concert halls to let them play, and we ended up in Avignon with a bunch of his mates getting drunk on wine cause the Beaujolais nouveau juste came out ; you bought a glass for three euros and walked round the fifty-odd stands choosing wine. i think I tried about seven and that was it for me :)so we went to the restaurant.
All in all, a very enjoyable day!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Holy shit

Prince Charming's girlfriend is a nutter.
I just found out he had to get her dad's approval before dating her.

I can't even get started on how WRONG this is.

Standard reply : MY dad wouldn't even dream of this because he respects my intelligence enough to know i can choose for MYSELF.
Next : even if he WANTED to I respect MYSELF enough to know i DON'T NEED his approval.

Prince Charming found it weird at the time. What love can do to you. No wonder his girlfriend is a nut.

Bitch 101 courtesy of Hoyden about Town

I love this post!

and I think I must be a bitch then :D **gives oneself a cookie**

Nature and Nurture

Fuckpolitness's lovely comment there (yay!) set me one wondering : how does one become who we are?
How did I apparently turn out different from a lot of the girls I know?
How come I don't want to run to anyone for help?

I'd think it's all in the luck of the draw (that would be the nature issue) but it's probably much more likely to be the environment you've had to live in.

I've had an extremely privileged life.

I come from a multicultural family, to start off with. I do believe that helps with openness, because there are always a lot of issues to resolve within yourself, so you can't just take things for granted.
My French classmates know where they're from, who they are, where they'll go (well, usually). I never have. I'm not French, not British, not American, definitely not Swedish, so I've always wondered where I stood.

My family isn't particularly conventional or unconventional.
My father is American by choice, swedish american by inheritance, born and raised in France.
He left for America for university at eighteen, at which point my swedish grandmother and alcoholic artist american grandfather divorced. That would be in the early seventies, when it definitely wasn't fashionable in France.
My grandmother moved down South and never remarried. One of her exes is a good family friend. She set up her business, made her own life. A good example. Now she's a tough old lady whom I suspect of waiting for my marriage eagerly because my parents pulled a fast one and got married in the Caribbean, with me as an attendee, when I was one.
My grandfather moved down here to live with us last year. I never got on with him much, now he's losing it,probably because of the alcohol abuse, so I do my best to be nice. But he's a stubborn old dude,(like the rest of the family) and when he still had it I suspected him of looking down on me because I was a girl. Most people preferred my younger brother when i was a kid, because he was outgoing and charming, when I was shy and always had my nose stuck in a book-but I suspected ulterior motives^^
In the meantime, my dad lived all over the place-Kentucky, LA for a few years when he had to give up uni because they cut his job as a French teaching assistant(he tells us great stories about that time), he was a truckdriver in France and Europe, then one day finally got an office job in England, met my mother, and bam! A couple of years later I turned up :)
My mother once said she was surprised my father had turned out so normal.
My mother was very English. A horsey girl, one of the eighties working girls. When we all moved here she took a part-time job as an accountant, and on the side she organises european exchanges, is boss of an association that half-runs the local music school, finds time to play music in the meantime and work the horse. My mother is a nut. She never quite grew up, which is why all my friends love her.
So no-one ever told me women couldn't do it.
I had a very conflictual relationship with my dad for a long time. We're very similar. But he had hepatitis for most of my life-he's been cured for a few years now-and the treatment was very heavy, and changed him a lot. He was constantly on a short fuse. But I was teenaged and merciless, and far too preoccupied with myself to care about such futile things^^.
To be fair, he likes to have his own way, like the rest of us, and has as quick a temper as mine. The shouting matches in our house were epic^^I feel sorry for my mother now, because she had to bear the brunt of both our tempers. She doesn't get angry-much. In a household where tempers are famously quick, I'd say she's at a disadvantage. Except that when she's really mad, we all run for cover.
There's another point; my father and I are just as bad, so why couldn't we be just as good?
I'd love to have his ease of speech, his immediate friendliness. I still remember when we celebrated his fiftieth, the year before I started high school. There were sooo many people.
My mother knows absolutely everyone. I'd often meet people of all ages, and they'd know my mother. I still do. I ran into a friend at a concert a couple weeks ago, he invited me to the concert his band is particpating in in a few weeks, turns out my mother's organising it.

One of her best friends makes me laugh a lot. She's a fifty-odd lesbian with a fantastic sense of humour. I know this doesn't seem to have much to do with my family, but I know I grew up hearing my mother talking about the friends back in England, the gay friends who had just bought a house together, my dad's best friend was married to a black woman and their daughter is his goddaughter-I see a lot about white people talking about their black friend, or their gay friend, on the internet, and it's seen as posing. But I grew up like this, and none of it seemed strange. When I think of it, yeah I have black friends and gay friends and asian friends and whatnot. But I have to stop and think about it because their "difference" isn't what is going to come to my mind first. Take one of my black mates-the first thing I'd tell anyone about him is that's he really cute, he's fun, he's in his third year of history. Oh yeah, he's black. So what?

Damn, I'm late, and supposed to be meeting someone for coffee. More later.

Some silly Quizz

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

Hmmm, a difficult choice.
Probably the scary evangelical dude I saw on Tv the other day who argued that his was the only right religion because it was tolerant of all other religions and so was the basis of religious freedoms in america. DUH.

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Who will it be?

Johnny Halliday

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

The guy who's stalking and harassing the Best Friend.

4. What is your favorite cheese?

Goat's cheese. I looooveee goat's cheese, which is why we don't buy it often cause I eat it all.
And I live in the country of cheese. is bliss. I feel so sorry for those dieting people-they don't know what they're missing!

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind of sandwich will you eat?

something very British, with cheese and pickle and cress and stuff. Loooove that.

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?

errrrmmmmmmm...Do I get to pick Heath Ledger? Otherwise...Marc André Grondin, a french canadian actor.

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music celebrity of your choice, who will it be?

Kanye West, so I can check why he has such a big ego :) or the Hocus Pocus singer (French)

8. Now that you've slept with two people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. What do you buy?

oooohh...something totally futile. Maybe more books, or clothes or something. Nothing useful.

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Spain. I have people to see there :) and then Australia, cause i have people to see there too.

10. An angel appears out of heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the beverage of your choice. It is?

Tea (teh Brit is back!)

11. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anywhere in the PAST. Where do you go?

Oh man, the past isn't that attractive^^ maybe the late sixties, just to know what all the fuss was about.

12. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

I make all the rules. None of that silly democracy here!

13. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it?

Something interesting^^ I'll get back to you later.

14. What is your favorite curse word?

In English? definitely fuck
In french it could be putain, merde, putain de bordel de merde, sombre pute and so many others and no I won't translate

15. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, what do you do?

run screaming

16. Your house is on fire! What do you do?

do my best to sort us out

17. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?

Call to joke around before I leave? Or have mind blowing sex. Either is good.

18. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and whats even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What super-power is it?

The ability to stop time and then restart it whenever I wanted.

19. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

I really don't know.

20. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Anytime that involves feeling ill and helpless

21. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check this out you can move anywhere. Where are you going?

Italy? Spain?Canada?nah, too cold. Australia? New Zealand?

22. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age, if you were banned from every bar in the world except one, which one would it be?

Shite, this one sucks. I frequent too many bars for this to be possible.

23. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question... If you did, then we'll just expound on that. Check it out… Suddenly, you have gained the ability to fly! Whose house are you going to fly to first, and be like "Check it out I can FLY!?"

Best Friend's.

24. The constant absorption of magical moon beams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?

Heath Ledger? Paul Newman? Kurt Cobain? Stop asking difficult questions.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Other people say it better

This is what I'd like to write.

I can't.
I relate to what's said, and totally agree.
Somehow it doesn't seem to affect me on an emotional level. Intellectually, I see the logic, I agree with it, I am revolted by it.
I'm the kind of girl who screams blue murder if something pisses her off. I try and catch people out on their sexism, at very least. But I've never felt that being who I am stops me from going anywhere. Privilege, I guess.
I've had the feeling that reacting differently in some ways could change some things-like, being less aggressive at times would make more people like me-but then I stop and think, hey, if I was a man, would they be bothered?
It's good for a man to be aggressive, confident, secure. Women shouldn't be. Of course we need a man to save us, to run back to in times of need.
Men are afraid of a woman with brains, and will try to browbeat us into submission.
Because we should be meek.
I've been meek. That didn't work out so well for me. I was shy, and miserable, and scared.
I grew out of it.
I'm still scared. Of taking risks, of relationships, of a lot of stuff, but I try.
I'm not conventionally scary.At all.
But get to know me, and you know I don't let myself be taken advantage of. I want independence.I don't want to have to rely on someone else to support me.
I won't beg.
I won't beg.
In my experience, men love it. They love the stereotype of the poor hapless and helpless female. Which is why my looks are popular. I look like that. I look like I need protecting. I look dollish, cute, delicate.
Well I'm not.

I broke up with my boyfriend recently. I feel a lot freer.
The boyfriend was-and is- a good man. But he's insecure, and accuses me of neglect instead of facing the fact that this is who I am. I never pretended otherwise.
That i don't NEED a man to be complete. I haven't been polluted by all the Bridget Joneses. Marriage is not my aim. My education is my goal.Creating opportunities and experiences, none of which have to include a relationship, although they probably will, since I enjoy the company of men.
And you'll always come after.

I'm angry at all the friends who have been lecturing me on how I should change to accomodate his neediness. On how it's a shame we broke up, why let ten happy months together go to waste, you were so sweet together, bla fucking bla.
Why a shame? a relationship is not a vital need.
Ten months is nothing although it was my longest relationship. And it wasn't always happy.
And I don't want to be "sweet" with someone. That sounds so childish. I'd rather date an equal. Someone not afraid to stand up to me, without crushing me either.
What are the odds of my finding that at Nineteen?
I'm nineteen. I have the rest of my life for this kind of shit.
I have time.
So much time, however fast it flies.

Perhaps it's true. It was my fault. But I don't care, which no-one seems to grasp. I won't take responsibility for his going crazy now.
I don't care whether I was right or wrong.
I just refuse to compromise when everyone is trying to make me.

It might be plain stubbornness, but it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS WHAT I DO WITH MY LIFE.
Friends or not.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Night owls

It's 2:28 am.

I love nighttime conversations.
They bring out the flirt in me (not that it's very hidden,but, well).
I love the conversations, in appearance totally innocent, but often with an undertone you can just detect.
The double-entendres-my speciality, apparently i have a warped mind, but it's just so easy.
the undertone of sex that comes along (with certain people, of course).
Knowing that certain words will plant ideas in the other's head. The repartee.
Doing it in French-i'm sorry, but Anglos are just too shy, most of this time, for this to work.
It never fails to bring a smile, especially when it's with someone especially talented with his words.
And just-leaving enough ambiguity for possible denial.
After all, these things shouldn't be dealt with over the internet, or even by phone.
That's just so...flat. And platonic.
Not that conversations can't be extremely erotic, no way.
But you just can't seal the deal (what a horrible expression) like that.
It just takes all the fun out of it if anything's certain.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Thoughts on a Friday

The rest of the blogging world's writing abilities terrifies me.
I just do not feel up to it.
Proof of my inability to communicate clearly and interestingly could be found in my lack of readers. Which I complain about a lot.
On the other hand, why does one write? It's definitely not to get my point of view out there; it's just not interesting enough.
Then it only leaves what we call "branlette intellectuelle" in a very disparaging way. Translation? Brain masturbation, alhough masturbation is too correct.Brain wanking?Whatever; I do love French slang.
Maybe I'm being a bit harsh and it's only to go on, and on, and on, because i find it very therapeutic.

Shut up, Froufrou, and try to remember what it was you were actually going to talk about.

Oh yes.
I'm always interested in anything about it because it's something i've spent my life wondering about.
Like, why is my voice higher in English than in French?
Or why on earth did I have today a total rejection of French? I just didn't want it. So I kept conversation to a minimum-which is complicated- and sauntered over to Prince Charming, my only English mate here, and we chatted away happily to the confusion of the guys next to him.
If the whole year doesn't know we're the only two Brits around by now, I'll be damned.
But I hide it pretty well :)
Seriously, I only appreciate being totally bilingual when i'm studying another language.
I love being able to tell all the nuances of both languages, unlike in Chinese, or in italian, although it's a LOT easier. I know i have an easier access to foreign languages than most people i know; being French or Anglosaxon seems to be a distinct disadvantage! But already knowing two makes it easier to add others on.
Except for Chinese, although it's slightly better since Ms F actually forces us all to talk in her own sweet way,and we're not stuck with the terrifying LLCE geniuses.
Although there are a lot of people who speak chinese extremely well in my class. Which is why I feel like a loser most days, but there all very nice, which is a bonus.

I often hear about English speakers using French words in English after spending some time here.
That's something I should, logically, be doing, but I only tend to translate expressions without noticing, and I try to keep a firm grip on that, because it becomes absolute nonsense pretty fast.
But obviously French words in English? That's just weird. Prince Charming does it from time to time, and I have to point it out (I'm slightly fussy about grammar and spelling and all that).
But I don't. Although I've been here for fifteen years now. Jesus.

So next

The boyfriend and I broke up on tuesday (armistice du 11 novembre, yeah happy day!), him ranting about being neglected and metelling him I just didn't have the time. My non-working lazy ass stance has goneout the window. I have to work now, can't just rely on a good memory and certain logic in answers. Feels strange. Now he wants to come back, overcoming his "issues", but I'm not sos ure. If we're to have the same argument ina few weeks, I seriously can't be bothered.
And because of all this, i've had to deal with the flack from MY friends, who have all sided with him and toldme it was my fault, because I MUST have neglected him, because I'm an intimidating distant bitch.
Now I didn't take that too kindly, because for Chrissakes, i'll never understand how anyone can find me intimidating. I mean, seriously. I'm 1.65 cm( 5 foot 4, the internet concerter tells me), my features are dollish (small and pouty-I look "nice", for some reason), i giggle and laugh and paint my nails and flirt. How intimidating does that sound?
True, i'm not half as easy-going as I look, i argue my way out of corners, am contrary as hell, and like holding on to my opinions if I can back them up, read far too many feminist blogs and I like getting my own way.
Is it because I'm a girl? I doubt it. I get on well with guys in general, and no-one's ever dared tell me women were inferior.
Except one in high school, but he always was an idiot who got his hair braided with blue and white beads when he was in the west Indies, so no-one took him very seriously, to his grief and resentment.
I don't believe in changing yourself to accomodate people around you.
I'm a privileged person. A very privileged person. So I'm not going to talk about being oppressed or whatnot, because what would i know about it? the only issue I could really come close to is sexism, and I don't encounter that that often, strangely enough.

I know France is a patriarchal country. It's not a hidden fact. But I don't believe in promoting people because they're female.
Dear Leader did just that; half of his ministers are female, and three of those are from ethnic minorities.
Problem is, they're pretty bad.

Our economy minister, Christine Lagarde is alright for the moment. She's been rather shadowed by Sarkozy, like most ministers, so I don't know. As far as i'm aware, her mind is pretty brilliant.

Christine Boutin is our minister for housing. She's an idiot. Far right anti abortion conservative, and a fool. Don't know why he picked her, of all people. Luckily abortion is just not an issue here. Guess that's what happens when you can get free contraception/abortions if needed. because those young people sure aren't promoting abstinence.^^

Rama Yade is there for decoration. She's supposed to be some sort of Foreign Affairs undersecretary (no translation in my head for her job title, sorry), but she's not actually allowed to do anything. So pointless.

Nadine Morano(secrétaire d'Etat à la famille) and Roselyne Bachelot are both famous for putting their feet in their mouth. And yet bachelot is minister of Youth, Health, and Sports. Another one of sarkozy's dumb ideas, restricting the number of ministers, which lets this woman have one major and two minor. Scary.

Nathalie Kosciusko-Morizet is state secretary for environment. Not much to say although she had to apologize after she called her boss (Borloo) and the parliament boss (Copé) and others an "army of cowards". I think she was complaining about the patriarchy at some point but I can't quite remember, this was a while ago.

As for Rachida Dati, the woman is authoritarian, foolish and full of herself, which is no good fora minister of Justice. For the first time in years, she has managed to rile up EVERY single justice professionnal, the judges, the lawyers,the clerks of court, etcetera.(She's the one who's unmarried and pregnant, not that most people actually care, as far as I know. Aren't we tolerant!lol)

I guess we're not so badly off.

back at last

Well it's been a busy two weeks to say the least.
I'd better cut it in pieces because otherwise I shall never manage.
I'll start rfom the beginning, that is the first week of november.

This week included getting ridiculously excited about the US election, which included checking dad's voting ballot before he sent it(this was ages ago but I've only just remembered), which meant voting yes on Obama! and no on that ridiculous Prop8 thing meant to stop gay couples from getting married. my dad being a liberal person who spent way too much time in LA in the what, seventies if I remember right, he'd already scribbled in the right (to us) box.
Tuesday was nuts. To start off, I fell ill, had to go to the doc's, and subsequently had to cancel my tripto Spain. Rather pissed off and spent the rest of the day feeling sorry for myself and watching election coverage on TV. Kept myself updated until about two am, at which point Obama had won Indiana, and McCain Kentucky (no surprise, no shock my granddad never went back there) and I fell asleep. The boyfriend called me at five am to yell "Obama won!"

You have to admire the man. He kept half of Europe awake all night, even those notorious anti-americans, the French.

let's say I woke up the next day feeling pretty hopeful, although still ill.
We all know it's crazy to expect too much, but it's a symbol for us too, whatever we might say.
No cowboy? No Bush? no dude going on about how the French let America down in 2003? fuck the lot of you, that's all I can say. We're hoping for a new day,too.

Not that Europe isn't going to try to oust America from it's top-dog position. Don't ever count on us being happy to be considered the underdog by America and apparently a lot of its inhabitants.
Dear Leader (Sarkozy, if anyone ever reads me) said only yesterday that the dollar shouldn't be the only main currency (or something like it,I am not providing an accurate translation of the nuances of French). Our Economics teacher harangued us about it only today, and said a lot of weird things I shall talk about later; The man is insane but interesting.

Next part of the week : the boyfriend and I argue and ignore each other until this tuesday.

And went dancing this weekend with Roommate dearest, Roommate dearest's boyfriend, and Eve, which was tremendous fun.

Friday, October 31, 2008

This week

Monday : as usual, counting down the days till the Us election, and wondering if there's anywhere in France that sells Obama T shirts. Worried. Canal Plus shows Democrat farmers answering the question "why won't you vote for him?" by "because he's a fucking nigger". Roommate dearest runs off to Belgium, leaving me alone with the cat and those insane workers overhauling our street.
walking back, minding my own business, one of them stops in front of me and says "well, smile". Like duh, I am so going to smile at a forty year old fat construction worker. Oh yeah..

Tuesday: was late, ran to uni without umbrella and in ballet pumps. It started raining. Got there, saw everyone outside, and firemen and firetrucks all over the place. They left us outside for thirty five minutes in the pouring rain, and some dude said it was an evacuation exercise. Three years in that uni and there's never once been one. The place probably caught fire and they're hushing it up, it's in that bad a state. So it never did stop raining, I failed an exam, and got home drenched, with my jeans having turned my bag and feet blue. Needless to say, I was not impressed.

Wednesday : still pouring, went to chinese lab and found a puddle in the corridor-there was a leak in the fucking ceiling, and this was on the second floor. There are six floors. I feel sorry for the philosophy majors who're all the way up there. And went to watch the young communist's information meeting with a couple friends, one of whom strikes fear in the hearts of teachers ( and a lot of other people) cause she always find sthe weak spot; so we turned up to keep ourselves informed this time (unlike last year, n'est-ce pas) and had a great time watching them go for each other throats. I love their internal strife. It's great fun to watch.

Thursday : last day! they gave us friday off for some reason. No-one knows why, and no-one 's complaining. Went to sleep in british civilisation again. Most boring class ever.
Bussed back to the parent's, and went out with a bunch of mates in the evening in the dead, dead town we used to live in. One pub open and man were they glad to see us. Great fun.

And friday today. No Hallowe'en, it's not that followed here, and honestly I can't be bothered. Spent the day wrestling with internet to get my bus tickets to Cadiz. I am skiving off to Spain next week. Fun and Games!

Saturday, October 18, 2008


Can someone tell me if this article is really what life is like for girls in Britain now?
The WAG lifestyle is really becoming the main priority?
If this is true...Jesus Christ am I glad I live in France and have no intention of going back to Britain anytime soon. My latest plan is to move to Maastricht but that's a whole different story.
I mean, seriously. It's prostitution in nicer terms, for god's sake. It's demeaning, it's humiliating, and infantilising.
How can they be surprised when their footballer husbands cheat on them? After all, they owe everything to them, their money, their social position- I bet the guys feel entitled to whatever they damn please. Eurgh. The thought makes me feel sick.
I just don't understand why you'd want to be dependent on someone in this way. Maybe it's the easy way out. Maybe I'm uptight-and yet no-one describes me like that :) But I just can't get my head around it. I want a good job, my own money, the choice to do whatever I damn well please without having to wait for a man or ask his advice. No way.

Friday, October 3, 2008

I'd rather Edit myself

Well, the last three weeks have been rather eventful, to say the least.

The Best Friend started sleeping (she calls it having a relationship with a defined end) with Rico, which sent me around the bend shortly, and then when I sorted it out the next day, they spent the rest of the week going paranoid on my ass. Mainly because my classes started and I couldn't make the trip down to Marseille.
So I spent a week wondering about things, about why I was this confused, relationships, also sorting out stuff with the boyfriend, helping him move in last weekend, going to Marsatac (brilliant festival over three days in Marseille).
And of course starting classes, going back to uni, seeing all the people there, being unpleasant with a teacher i had last year who has a veneration for english speakers but doesn't rememver either my name or my face, anyway let's say the forty people in that class know my name now.
Anyway, I found out that Agathe was rather pissed at me, while I'd been really mad at her.
Fun and games.
I'm slowly sorting myself out, after telling the Best Friend she hadn't actually listened to me for three months.
On the other hand, I get the feeling that once more, she hasn't listened. Only taking in account the fact that I didn't sit her down and tell her whatever was on my mind. But she's known me for thirteen years. She knows I'm not like that. That I need time to spit things out.
I knew she'd judge me. And she did.

As I said, I'd rather edit myself. Edit the bad stuff, the embarrassing stuff, all that. Edit certain conversations-too many conversations. Edit certain admissions. Oh yes.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


Back in the student life, or sort of. Moved all I needed back in the flat, moved the flat around a lot, and now am in Marseille.
Rico got here yesterday and I'm so fucking confused.
Rico is a scottish friend I met three years ago on an exchange program me, the best friend, foufounette and other friends participated in. Last time I saw him was a year ago, when I went to Scotland.
I've always had a soft spot the size of an iceberg for him. It used to be the same with him. And it's damn painful to know that it's over.
I seriously miss the way things used to be. I don't know if it's because of him I didn't manage to have a half-assed serious relationship for years; it's a possibility. the same went for him. he hasn't had a proper girlfriend in forever. And i get so jealous when I know he does have someone, which is weird because I'm never jealous. Ever.
It might be the inaccessibility, which says a lot about my mental state (shitty).
But I always have a thing for guys that aren't french.
I don't know if it's the roots striving to come out, saying "you're not fucking French, stop getting it on with French dudes!"
Seriously, I cheated with a Hungarian dancer, and the best lays of my life were Scottish and Canadian. Does it mean anything? I don't know.
But I always feel i connect with english-speaking guys on another level. A part of me the French just cannot get.
It's just...the English parts of me have been so ridden over during the years, years of only speaking French except at home, being the only Brit of my age in a town of 20 000 people, not even having anglophone mates at uni, except for Prince Charming, that I guess that when it all come goes badly.
I went to Scotland four times in five years. It's a place I really love, and it's the place that reconciled me with being a Brit, because growing up I found it kinda difficult.
Some of my best memories are there. And now a whole part of that has just disappeared. No wonder I'm lost, I guess.
I don't know if it's the same for other people. I don't know anyone who's been through the same thing. My flatmate has been through some of the same stuff, cause she's Belgian, and lived in italy from her birth to her fifteenth, but it's not quite the same because she's hardly ever been to Belgium, and came here a lot later than I did. I was five. When I first got here I just wanted to go home. now I'm very grateful that my parents came here, but it's made me somewhat messed-up. Totally messed-up, some would say.
I'm such an in-between person. Not really British, except for what it says on my passport, I lack most of Britain's cultural references, at least on the TV side, since I practically only read in English, I don't understand a good part of what the country is doingto itself, I don't understand all the knife stories and the shyness of the guys and the weird ways of the girls. I don't understand the way they dress, I don't share an insular mentality cause I'm from the continent, I'm just lost in these things.
Not really French, because it's always been made very clear to me that I was a foreigner. Maybe it was harder for me because I'm not visibly foreign, unlike my mother who speaks with "such a cute" english accent and has blue eyes and really fair skin. Unlike my brother who inherited the blond, tall northern genes. And different from my father too, although he comes from two foreign cultures but was born and bred in Paris.
Not really French because I'm just not. I can't imagine saying "I'm French" as I could have, and still could if I applied for French nationality. But that would mean giving up my other nationalities, and I can't; physically can't.
I wish someone could share experiences on this stuff, but as I said, I don't know anyone who could; my flatmate is already a great help. Nationality is one of our recurrent conversation subjects, and one we never find a solution to, except "I'm not French". Although she's a lot closer, being Belgian, but still.
I'm not French. And it affects me in strange ways.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

7 years

7 years later. I was in school when we first heard about it, and then went to a history class that the teacher used to tell us what had happened, and about terrorism in general, algeria, the '95 Paris bombings,the ETA, all that stuff, all the terrorism that has happened in Europe.
So where are we now?
No Osama Bin Laden
The world is no safer.
Confusing, isn't it.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Oh, wow

Superfrenchie actually linked to me on his blog. I'm shocked.
Never thought my rambling would actually interest someone :P
Problem is now anyone turning up here is going to think I'm another expat blogger, but I don't see things the same way, as, for example, Petite Anglaise, who can comment on the differences and the weirdness of the French. I'm more likely to comment on the weirdness of the Brits, although I am a Brit. I've been here far too long :D

Monday, September 8, 2008

Back on track

Or not.
Back at the parent's for a couple days to pick up some stuff, after spending a whole week in Marseille when I was only going for a couple days.
Stayed at Best Friend's, since the Boyfriend is a)moving out, and b) working on a beach from 6 am to 12:30. Which didn't stop him from being around most afternoons.
Went to the cinema, met guys in a bar, one of them becoming Best Friend's new love interest, and generally occupying too much space for a couple days, had a going-away party for Pedro, generally got high a lot and tried to get over myself. Met some of Foufounette's business-school friends, Lulu turned up for a day before moving to Spain, heard Peter was back in Marseille yesterday to pick up his driving licence, saw lots of people,watched lots of movies and got over some of my boredom, although now am exhausted and have hundreds of things to do.
Viet is leaving for Japan today and I never got to see her because everytime I made a suggestion she turned it down. Romain, Laurent, Meryl, Fred, Corentin, Cecilia, Manou, Anais,Helio, Lionel, Juliette, so many people are off for a semester or a year.
It's going to be pretty empty.

Richard will be here soon. I can't wait.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Am I a slut?

On-going question ever since I started being sexually active (yeah, I can say that without cringing-clue number one, although I don't know of what)
What is a slut, anyway?
1.a. A woman considered sexually promiscuous.
b. A woman prostitute.
2. A slovenly woman; a slattern.
So how does one define sexually promiscuous? Do you count an overall number, or the number of one-night stands? How many VD's one has had? (none, thank god)Whether one takes the pill or not?
People have, in the past, expressed disapproval of how I've behaved. They're likely to go on now, which is why i mostly STFU, and do my own thing.
As long as I want to do it, how does it concern anyone else?
I've never had unprotected sex, I've had one-night stands and fucking friends and now a semiserious relationship, and other relationships, some I considered serious but the other did not, and some I gave up after a couple months.
I've never felt pressured and wouldn't for my life give in to pressure-I'm too fucking stubborn.
The thing is, I actually like sex. So why should I deprive myself for fear of being called a whore? And this has happened, mainly thourh high school, cause of a dumb rumour some guy made up-that I'd had a threesome at a party which was SO UNTRUE! I was sixteen. I was mad. And I didn't even know him.
So why did one guy I didn't know decide he could take the fact that I'd drunkenly kissed a girl at a party and then crawled up peacefully in my sleeping bag, and make it into a threesome and label me a slut?
Insecurity, perhaps. I mean, I don't threaten anyone with my sexuality-in fact, I enjoy it and the guys I've been with certainly haven't complained. I mean, for all my faults, it must be nice to end up with a girl like me instead of the girls I knew at high school, who had a broom stuck up their arses and found the slightest mention of sex distasteful. Which is why I surrounded myself with like-minded friends. More fun, dudes.
So what is the problem nowadays?
I don't often encounter it with guys I meet or, ahem, have been intimate with-none of them have complained.
Others have seen me as fair game, and have been put back pretty firmly in their place- I might like sex, but I don't like it with just anyone-there has to be some connection-like when i went to stay with a friend a year ago, and her boyfriend was all over me like a rash, all this because I'd actually told him what I thought. As if I'd ever touch a mate's boyfriend. No fucking way.
So does all this make me a whore?A slut?A bitch?or whatever?

I don't understand where people get off judging everyone else for everything they do. Like the fact that I act like this actually hurt them. I'm not forcing anyone else! This is me, this is my body, and I shall do whatever the fuck I like with it, be that holding off sex for a year or sleeping with ten guys within a fortnight (no, this has never happened).
I personally don't give a fuck about what other people are doing, as long as they like it, it makes them happy, it's consensual and doesn't involve animals (that REALLY makes me want to puke. And it's illegal.)
But no. And girls are the worst, aren't they? Not too fond of girls at times. Or boys. I just don't like people :D
But back to the topic. I really wonder at what girls do to each other. Criticizing all the others do, all the time. Does it make you feel better? Cause in that case you should be having a look at your self-esteem.
My enjoying sex takes nothing away from you, does it?

Go and get laid now.