I know, I spend my time reading old blog posts and threads but I need to educate myself :)
although this isn't really an education.
It's life, and it makes me so fucking angry.
I want to cry.
Talking to JJ on msn and he wondered why I'd gone so quiet, so I directed him to the thread. Now I'm waiting to see what he'll say, although I have faith-he's no idiot :)
I'm safe enough. I live in a safe town. Mine is a place where I can walk back home at two in the morning and nothing has ever happened to me **touches wood**.
I hate feeling like public property because I'm a girl.
Although I'm not sure it's quite the same in France as in the Uk or the US. I was fifteen when I went to the US, so I didn't really notice, and in the UK I've always been out in groups, so I don't know.
But I'm still worried about going home alone. I walk around with pepper sray ever since I ran into trouble at university last year. Before an ex got it for me because he was worried about the nasty turn things between the people blocking uni and those against it (ie, me for example) were taking, I carried one of my brother's knives around.
I always wear headphones so I can ignore the guys calling me out. If I do hear them I tend to have insults spout out before I can stop them. Last time in Marseille I told them to fuck off and die. When i was sixteen some arab dude in the street stopped in front of me, leered and said "hey, let's go to a hotel", as if it was something normal. Told him to go fuck himself.
I fucking hate having to be careful.
I give out very strong leave me alone vibes, which tend to scare people off. In first year, I never got chatted up in the bus, when my roommates did. Around the end of the year though, some random guy in my neighbourhood stopped me in the street and insisted on talking. He was nice enough, but he was creeping me out, he was too old, saying how he'd been seeing me around for a couple months, blabla, could I give him my number. Said no. Tried to make me take his. Said there was no point, that I wasn't going to call him, and shot off.
I hate feeling I owe these cray dudes something, when I don't. I hate being afraid of offending them, that they might take it out on me, and I won't police my behaviour for them. When I really can't do it, I give a fake number so that they leave me the hell alone.
**update**JJ is shocked.
I just get so tired sometimes, and I'm in a safe place. Why should I have to hide beind my sunglasses and headphones?
Why do men feel entitled to shouting their opinion at me, and what, think it's flattering?
I know men can't comprehend it at a female level because they're not going to experience it, but Christ, is it that hard to grasp?
I just want to scream.
I'll feel better in the morning.