Sunday, November 16, 2008

Other people say it better

This is what I'd like to write.

I can't.
I relate to what's said, and totally agree.
Somehow it doesn't seem to affect me on an emotional level. Intellectually, I see the logic, I agree with it, I am revolted by it.
I'm the kind of girl who screams blue murder if something pisses her off. I try and catch people out on their sexism, at very least. But I've never felt that being who I am stops me from going anywhere. Privilege, I guess.
I've had the feeling that reacting differently in some ways could change some things-like, being less aggressive at times would make more people like me-but then I stop and think, hey, if I was a man, would they be bothered?
It's good for a man to be aggressive, confident, secure. Women shouldn't be. Of course we need a man to save us, to run back to in times of need.
Men are afraid of a woman with brains, and will try to browbeat us into submission.
Because we should be meek.
I've been meek. That didn't work out so well for me. I was shy, and miserable, and scared.
I grew out of it.
I'm still scared. Of taking risks, of relationships, of a lot of stuff, but I try.
I'm not conventionally scary.At all.
But get to know me, and you know I don't let myself be taken advantage of. I want independence.I don't want to have to rely on someone else to support me.
I won't beg.
I won't beg.
In my experience, men love it. They love the stereotype of the poor hapless and helpless female. Which is why my looks are popular. I look like that. I look like I need protecting. I look dollish, cute, delicate.
Well I'm not.

I broke up with my boyfriend recently. I feel a lot freer.
The boyfriend was-and is- a good man. But he's insecure, and accuses me of neglect instead of facing the fact that this is who I am. I never pretended otherwise.
That i don't NEED a man to be complete. I haven't been polluted by all the Bridget Joneses. Marriage is not my aim. My education is my goal.Creating opportunities and experiences, none of which have to include a relationship, although they probably will, since I enjoy the company of men.
And you'll always come after.

I'm angry at all the friends who have been lecturing me on how I should change to accomodate his neediness. On how it's a shame we broke up, why let ten happy months together go to waste, you were so sweet together, bla fucking bla.
Why a shame? a relationship is not a vital need.
Ten months is nothing although it was my longest relationship. And it wasn't always happy.
And I don't want to be "sweet" with someone. That sounds so childish. I'd rather date an equal. Someone not afraid to stand up to me, without crushing me either.
What are the odds of my finding that at Nineteen?
I'm nineteen. I have the rest of my life for this kind of shit.
I have time.
So much time, however fast it flies.

Perhaps it's true. It was my fault. But I don't care, which no-one seems to grasp. I won't take responsibility for his going crazy now.
I don't care whether I was right or wrong.
I just refuse to compromise when everyone is trying to make me.

It might be plain stubbornness, but it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS WHAT I DO WITH MY LIFE.
Friends or not.


Anonymous said...

Hi. Followed you back here from your link to my blog. Wow. It's so great to read a woman writing like this, and at 19! I'm sad to say I was *not* this self possessed, not this certain of my right to live as I damned well pleased at age 19.
Well done for resisting those voices of reproach!
The story of your boyfriend as a good person, but who could not cope with not being 'needed' more reminds me of Riley in Buffy. That character makes me so angry for exactly that reason. That he can't handle that Buffy needs to and can cope without him being there every step of the way. That because of that, he insists on reading her behaviour as her not 'loving' him. Grr.
Anyway, it was a real pleasure to discover your blog. I'm sure I'll spend more lunchtimes here.

Froufrou said...

Thankyou :)