Musings

I was reading shapely prose today, first the post on the DLBs which drove me nuts, then followed the link back to "turn that douchehound upside down" in which hundreds of comments tell of daily harassment. By men.
But hey, everyone knows a woman can't tell of what happens to her in her daily life, right?

This probably rubs me even more wrong than usual, since something particularly...unpleasant happened to me not long ago. It was my best friend's 21st, and I crashed in her roommate's bed, a dude I've known since I was 14; never anything between us, and we've shared a bed after parties a good few times. Plus that particular night best friend had someone sleeping with her^^
But anyways. We chatted a bit; we were both pretty drunk, subject got onto sex. Every now and again he tries to get me to have sex with him; i used to treat it as a joke. But he knew I didn't want to, since I explicitly told him that if I had wanted to, i'd have made it known by now. I'm not shy like that. I don't want to fuck him, never have wanted to. On top of it all, he has a girlfriend of two years.
So I fell asleep. And woke up in the morning with no knickers on. Wriggled back into them, while realising some other dude that had been at the party had also been sleeping in the room, which really freaked me out, whispered "why the fuck was I not wearing anything on the bottom?" or some french equivalent, got a "i don't know" shrug of the shoulders, and got out.
You know what? i know he groped me while I was sleeping. I have vague memories of warm feelings during the night, but I am a very sound sleeper when tipsy. My body responded to whatever he was doing; I could see traces of it in my underwear. I can also feel it the next day if my clit has been rubbed pretty vigorously, and need I say i was feeling it then, and feeling completely confused about it?
But that I probably got wet and rubbed my butt against him or whatever while fast asleep? IS NO FUCKING EXCUSE for feeling me up when 1)I had while AWAKE told him i wasn't interested, 2)IN NO STATE to say yes or no.

I felt bad after that. Dirty. Used. Confused. Scared. I haven't seen him since.
I told my best friend that night. She said she believed me, and she saw how upset I was. i also felt the disbelief. "he would never do that". Well he did. I know he did.
He probably didn't think of it as anything. i probably "wanted it" "didn"t say no""likes sex so why should she mind""why would i do that to her, she's not hot enough for me"
I can hear it. He had no fucking right to touch me, and I fully intend not to see him again. Whatever friendship we might've shared is now tainted by this. In retrospect, I guess the fact that he still brought up sex every now and again should've tipped me off to his, but as I said, I took it in jest. After all, this was the dude, who is in no position to consider me "under him" jokingly once said so, when he found out I'd had sex with more people than he had.
But then the Best Friend said he did that to plenty of girls. Please tell me how THIS IS NOT FUCKING CREEPY??
I didn't know about it. Now I do.

D'you know, it's made me realise how lucky I have been that this kind of shit hasn't affected me much through my life.
Primary school was fine, although boys looked under my skirt the one time I wore one, but it seemed a game to me at the time. I found it funny. I wonder what the other girls thought about it. Their memories might not be so fun.

Middle school-well I was mainly insulted with variants of "nerd" and plays on my surname. By boys. And fat and ugly. Not a happy period. Oddly enough I got called a feminist a lot, because I was very vocal about girls being just as good as boys. Plus I got jokingly asked out; of course it couldn't be serious, i was fat and ugly!

High school was extremely satisfying on the other hand, since I grew out of my puppyfat and became pretty attractive; the dudes who insulted me in middle school tended to give me a bit more than a second glance then, and I had the satisfaction of thinking I wouldn't touch them with a fucking bargepole.

High school for me was from 14 to 17, basically the years I really hit puberty hard and turned into a woman, blabla, but I don't remember that much abuse.
I have to point out that I had a large posse of friends, many of which were male, and that helped a LOT. Especially as, in retrospect, I see that for teenage boys they were pretty damn nice about women.
I do remember :
-a couple of male "friends" trying to throw me in the river, not managing (mainly because I was definitely not against violence if necessary) and being thoroughly ridiculed by a teacher walking by, saying "you can't even throw a girl in the river, all three of you!".
In retrospect i can't believe that dumbass teacher just walked by when I was screaming and kicking their knees in.
-One of my friends warning me that her theen-boyfriend and one of his friends, both that I knew from middle school, were planning to throw me in the river if they saw me; that summer, i stayed away from the riverside because of this.
-at the swimming pool, a couple of arab kids, of about NINE years old came behind me and my group of girlfriends. I was lying on my stomach, in my costume, and I distinctly heard one of them say that I was in a perfect position to stick a dildo, and other such comments. I turned around and asked them how the hell they dared talk like that, and their sisters started screaming at us. It only calmed down when a couple arab dudes a bit older than us-I must've been about 17-got involved and told the girls and kids to back the fuck off- and then asked if any of us were single.
-The dude in the street who asked me if i'd go to the hotel with him when i was sixteen.
-a guy I didn't know spreading the rumour that I'd been in a threesome with a friend and a dude when i was 16
-Older guys expressing their desire to fuck me when I was very much not interested. An dvery much underage.
-oh my god I've just remembered my class(second year of high school) used to call me a cocksucker because they got their hands on a picture of me with a lollipop, and one of the dickheads actually asked my boyfriend of the time how it was with me. Plus they called me Clara Morgane, because my name sounds a bit like hers; she used to be a porn star.

Catcalls only happen to me when I'm out with other women these days, mainly in Marseille. I seem to exude a definite "fuck off" vibe. GOOD.

this just makes me so damn angry, and not a DLB of anger ;)