Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Relations Bullshit-More Massilia

In any case I had a great time with everyone, got stoned, talked and talked and talked, got up late, just generally took advantage of the holiday spirits, and crossed a line I've been thinking about crossing for a wee while now.

I love the Boyfriend, and he loves me. It's the easiest relationship I've ever had. There's the knub and crux of the matter. He's a year older than I am, but I tend to feel like I'm the older one. I guess a relationship is about sharing your troubles, and he does take care of me too, but yeah, he does make me feel a bit like an older sister from time to time, which is not good.
I think this all started when I spent three weeks with absolutely no contact with him, and was all by myself once more.
I don't know.
Who cares what I do anyway; I seriously don't give a damn about wrong or right just now.
Oh, so what happened?
I slept with Peter early this morning. And man, was it worth it, if only for the excitement.
I get bored fast.
And no-one will ever know-except for whoever comes by here, which is no-one.
There is some safety in being evermore anonymous, although whoever comes by can find out a lot about me.
Thank God none of my French friends would ever read a blog in English- and the Anglophones couldn't tell :)
Was it wrong of me? If the Boyfriend ever came to find out, I'd consider it wrong, because then he'd be hurt. But I'm good at keeping secrets. And at necessary lying. Saying I was reading on the balcony-which was actually true until Peter turned up and pulled me into his room.
In all likelihood I won't see Peter again, anyway. He's leaving the day after tomorrow, and I'm not going back to Marseille for a while.
So here, this is also who I am. This is the kind of thing I will never tell anyone around me. I don't want to lose the Boyfriend, but I need something else.
Am I trying to have my cake and eat it?Probably. Does it make me a lesser person? Not insomuch as it bothers me. And if it bothers anyone else, too bad, tant pis!

I am who i am. And however much I love and need my current relationship, there is something wrong with it, which can't be remedied.
The Boyfriend can't change overnight and bring the excitement other men have. But no-one else has ever given themselves over to me as he has. Which I like but also resent.
As the Best Friend says, he's hung on to me, although we make a show of independence to the world and he pretends his independence to me. All i know is that I can disappear for three weeks with no means to contact him and not worry. That I can watch him go off to his Dads for three weeks, where his ex also lives, and not worry, even if I have no news for a few days.
How safe is that, Jesus.
As I said, I get bored fast.
I'm horrible.

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